I can see many similarities in the story line of the film to that of a person with D.I.D. The film shows conflict between humans and dragons as they wage war on one another. The problem is that the humans do not understand the dragons; they don’t know why they do what they do. I felt this same conflict months and years before my diagnosis. I knew there was something wrong. I knew there was at least one other inside, but I was deathly afraid of her. I was scared she would reveal more about my abuse than I could handle, so I fought against her. I tried desperately to keep her from communicating with me and by doing so caused more hurt to her. I thought she only wanted to hurt me. My denial of her stayed strong until one day when she shared a memory of Disneyland with me while I was on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. She said, “Remember when we went through here when you were little? And I thought if we could jump out of the boat and fill our pockets with treasure then we wouldn’t have to be poor and hungry anymore. Remember when I thought that maybe I was beautiful enough to be the pretty girl being auctioned off?
The problem with this shared memory was that I had never been to Disneyland as a child. My first trip to Disneyland came when I was a 36 year old woman who had plenty of food and money. To say I was unnerved is an understatement. Obviously that little, Cat, was present (without my knowledge) during my first trip to Disneyland when I was 36. Cat is 6. I had no paper, so I wrote about the experience on the back of some cardstock that came in a toy we had purchased for my 3D child while said child and husband went on Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Cat has tousled thick, short, wavy, reddish brown hair, brown eyes, and a small nose. She is small for her age which helps her to hide when necessary. She likes to run, is fast and efficient, and a bit of a prankster. She has an outgoing personality. She would just as soon be outside in a tree as anywhere else. She carries most of the emotions. She is quick to laugh and quick to cry.
I continued to try to push her away after our return from vacation, but she was always there – peeking around the corners of my mind – insisting that I listen to her. I was terrified that the information she knew and the emotions she carried would send me over the edge. I was used to feeling numb; feeling emotions when one is used to feeling detached is pretty scary. One day when I was at the gym and she was communicating with me – me not a willing listener – I ran to the bathroom to check my eyes in the mirror to make sure they hadn’t turned brown. I was so sure that I would see her peering out of my eyes. Of course my eyes were still green – thank God. I called that day to get back in to see a therapist.
With the help of my therapist, the process for contact with Cat was facilitated, and I learned that she is a delightful little girl not a scary monster. She is a tease. Sometimes she hides things and plays jokes on me, but I love her. Now that I know what her objective is in my system, I don’t need to be afraid anymore. The humans in the film also lost their fear when they understood the dragons' objective. This was not an overnight process. The boy in the film had to use kindness and patience to befriend the dragon. I had to lose the desire to destroy this alter (out of fear) and use kindness, patience, and love to get to know her. She helps fill in my missing parts just as the boy and dragon helped each other in the film. The film teaches us to not be so afraid of the unknown that we continue to have pain in our lives. The film also teaches that we must use patience and have the desire to understand the other party.
Our alters need to feel safe with us in order to be effective parts of the system. It is possible for our parts to work together. First seek for understanding; understanding has helped me gain new appreciation for all the parts of me that I have met so far. When you learn their objective you can help them help you.
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