Roar!

I'm not a huge Katy Perry fan, but I love her song "Roar". I think this song applies to  survivors of any kind of abuse.

The ability to roar or speak out about our abuse and against our abusers is empowering.

To anyone out there who is feeling powerless, listen to this song, take the words to heart, and ROAR!

Katy Perry's Roar


Lyrics:

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice (Not that abuse victims ever have a choice)
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

 

Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar!

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Read more: Katy Perry - Roar Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Adults only behind the wheel

It rained today, and the weather is getting cold - normal for this time of year. I drove to pick up our Chinese takeout. All perfectly normal things until a little pops out and thinks it would be a good thing to focus on the rain drops running down the windshield.

Do you know how startling it is to be driving, carefully watching the road and all of the sudden instead of eyes focused on the road many feet in front of you, all you see is the close up of raindrops?

Needless to say, the little got a harsh talking to, so much so that her stomach hurt, but that cannot happen, not when I'm driving.

Next time it rains, stop your car and check out what you see when you are focused on the road and when focused on raindrops.

There is a time and a place for raindrop races.

Thank you Elder Ballard

Elder Ballard is known for giving talks that soothe the soul and calm the heart. He outdid himself this time giving a talk about depression. You can see his entire talk here: Thank you Elder Ballard

He starts out by mentioning several mental illnesses by name and then says, "However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

If only, if only that was the case in our world. If only I was comfortable talking about my mental illness. If only I didn't have to worry about losing my job because of common misconceptions about my condition. If only.

But, I'm thankful that one man gets it - one man who many people admire and respect. Maybe the tide will turn one day and those of use who have mental illnesses will be allowed to share more and have people see that we can be productive members of society.

I heard this song again today, "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls and it tells it like it is for those of us who have to hide our truth: Link to video

Lyrics:
"Iris"

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

 

It is hard to not have people really know me. I want the people I love to know me - all of me - all thirteen of me or at least those of me who are ready to be known, but that is not my reality. I hope when I die and they give my eulogy that my children will share all of me - that they will tell those I love who I really was. I'll be dead, so I won't care if people judge me harshly for being fractured. I'm sure some will say, "So that is why she was so weird," but some will understand and love me anyway.

 

Elder Holland closed his talk with, "I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”"

This quote both scares and delights me. The thought of not having parts is scary because it is all I know, but the thought of all those parts being put back together and working as one - the one I might have been had monsters not been a part of my childhood - delights my soul. I know that what he says is true and being healed will be okay - a good thing.

The Three Faces of Eve

I watched The Three Faces of Eve a while ago. I haven't read the book, but I wanted to see how Hollywood portrayed DID. I thought Joanne Woodward did a fine job of showing switching, but not having read the book, which is supposed to be a true story account of a woman with DID, I'm not really sure how well they portrayed her.

From what I've read about the real live Eve, the reason for her developing DID was not what was shown in the film. She had 22 to 26 personalities, not 3. I thought the cure for Eve in the film was very unbelievable. When she knew what caused her DID in the film, the two other personalities went away and a new "healthier" personality stayed to live her life.

I found the ending insulting to those of us with DID. I mean, why can't I just make a new mentally healthy personality to take over for all the unhealthy personalities? I know what happened to me - maybe not everything, but what is so wrong with me that I can't solve my problem like Woodward did in her portrayal of Eve? I was also bothered by the scene where Eve Black tries to kill Eve White's child. It just didn't fit any of her personalities to try to kill a child.

I liked Woodward's portrayal of Eve Black and kind of know how that feels. Eve Black did not like Eve White's husband. I have a couple of alters who have no interest at all in my husband, but they have no interest in any man. I also have alters who are more fun loving, outgoing, or sexual. I also have alters who are quiet and more timid like Eve White. I remember one time in a therapy session one of my other alters came out; you should have seen the look of shock on the therapist's face. I don't know that he really believed until that moment.

Woodward deserved the Oscar she won for her portrayal of Eve White, Eve Black, and Jane, but the playwright got the story wrong - again. I don't think Hollywood will ever get it right. They didn't then and they haven't yet - at least to my knowledge. Life with DID is just not Hollywood enough to make a movie about it.

When the quiet isn't helpful

There are times in the life of a person with DID when all the others go quiet. That time might be a stressful situation that the system never prepared or created an alter for - something the system could not foresee.

I've gotten used to the noise in my head and find it comforting. But when faced with a new, never before experienced trauma, the silence is deafening and panic sets in.

Anyone else with DID experience this?

Rambling On

I had a friend threaten suicide this week, which really freaked me out. I even contemplated deleting this friend from my newsfeed on Facebook because I really don't need the stress in my life, and when things like this happen it reminds me that I am fragile.Yes, I can be a selfish jerk at times, but I didn't delete. I worried, tried to contact this friend, called the police, and several days later, this friend messaged me again, so all is well for now. Although I really wish this friend would seek professional help because I am not professional help. Hell, sometimes I need professional help too.

I had another friend tell me that I had the ability to influence people. I wondered how that is possible when most times, I struggle to organize my own thoughts.

My sister is back home - she walked away from the care center because to be honest, the place was a hole in the wall, a dirty hole in the wall. She is healing and getting stronger. I am thankful.

The Bloggess posted her rules for life. You should check them out. I really like the first one: Don't be shitty. One I want to add: Allow people the right to grieve for however long it takes them.

I really liked Death as the narrator in The Book Thief  by Markus Zusak, but sometimes in real life, Death is an asshole who takes perfectly good people from us and leaves us the rotten ones.

The man who kidnapped the three women in Cleveland is on suicide watch. I think they should hand him the means and let him do it instead of watching him - it would save a lot of money and grief. I am thankful the women are free, but there is a cure for people like him - it is called a bullet to his head. I don't understand how a human being can be so evil. Even though my own father is evil, I still don't understand it.

The news and a friend threatening suicide makes a person like me struggle to stay grounded and here. My brain is like a butterfly right now landing here, landing there, landing everywhere, and no where at all. And they say ADD is bad. Throw a few more personalities into the mix and see how hard it is to focus.

Danielle and Ups and Downs

I visited with my sister yesterday, and she wasn't doing as well as she was on Sunday. She had a low-grade fever, chest pains, high blood-pressure, and was certain she would die during the night.

Although she didn't feel good, she wanted to paint a picture for me and started the watercolor before I left. I talked her into waiting to finish it, so she could go to sleep.

She amazes me. She feels crappy, yet she wants to do something nice for me. I need to be more like her. I need to go out of my way more often to do nice things for those around me.

She has been good for me. As I brushed and braided her hair yesterday, I was thankful for this chance to spend time with her and see the wonder and love that dwells in every fiber of her being.

I am thankful she is my sister.

And it just keeps on coming

Two weeks ago, I watched old slides with my 3d child. My little sister Danielle was pictured in the slides with her hair cut in a cute little bob that emphasized her big brown eyes. My child asked who it was because he doesn't really know her. She lives with Dad, so we don't see her. She feels sorry for him and has forgiven him for all the abuse he heaped on her.

Two days later I got a phone call saying that she was in the hospital and not expected to live. I faced my fears and went to see her. Luckily, so far, I have not run into Dad. He visits in the morning, I always go at night. Danielle is recovering and will soon return home where Dad also lives. My 3d child has enjoyed getting to know her. I have enjoyed spending time with her.

We are going to try to use Mom as a go between - a way to call her and pick her up and take her away from where she lives so that we can visit.

When Dad came to see her today, he said, "Don't let them take you away from me." We are the "them" he speaks of. He didn't want to call an ambulance for her; he would have let her die on the floor if her boyfriend and son hadn't been there, but he doesn't want us to take her away from him. He is a selfish pig.

I still wish he would die so that I could have a relationship with my sister that isn't strung with anxiety and fear of running into him. I really wish he would die. I worry about her going back to live with our abuser, but she won't have it any other way, and that makes me sad because she deserves so much more than to have verbal abuse thrown at her all day. I hate that she has gone through so much pain in her life. She amazes me because she is upbeat and positive, although today she said, "He is the biggest asshole who ever lived." She is speaking of our dad.

I still never want to see him again, but I am willing to chance it because life is too short, and I love my sister.

Spring has Sprung

Today was the very first really warm day we've had this year. Our winter has been long and oh, so very, very, cold and dreary.

I worked in the yard for several hours and was delighted to see the tulips popping up (only the tops of the leaves, but they are up). I'm sure we will get more snow - we always do, but it felt so good to have the sun on my face and the dirt in my hands.

The only bad thing is that it makes me want to quit my job and play in it every single nice day we have.

2013 Liebster Blog Award

I have been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by Carol Ford at Second Glance Book Reviews Presents:

Thanks, Carol, for nominating me for this award.

RULES

1.      Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog and link back to the blogger who presented this award to you.

2.      Answer the 11 questions from the nominator, list 11 random facts about yourself, and create 11 questions for your nominees.

3.      Present the Liebster Blog Award to 11 blogs of 200 followers or less who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen. (No tag backs)

4.      Copy and paste the Blog Award on your blog.

Questions from Carol to me:

1.       You wouldn't be caught dead, where?

I wouldn’t be caught dead in a crowded mall during Black Friday. Of course I could be dead in the mall on Black Friday because that is the only way you would get me there.
 
2.       Name one thing you consider yourself to be very good at.

I consider myself a good cook.

3.       If you were granted three wishes from an angel or genie what would you want?

I would wish that no one would ever abuse a child again in any way.

I just want that one wish – oh and clean air and clean water.

4.       If you could be any fictional character who would you choose?

I would be Jane Eyre because she is smart, strong, and courageous.

5.       What is your favorite book?

I love Jane Eyre, but choosing a favorite book would be like choosing my favorite child.

 
6.       What author inspires you and why?

Sherman Alexie inspires me because his writing makes me think, and it makes me want to write. He can make a person laugh and cry all in the same sentence.

7.       If you could meet any author who would it be and why?

Sherman Alexie for all the reasons I stated above.

8.       What is your favorite book quote?

There are simply too many great quotes to pick a favorite. My library is full of books that are annotated and underlined

9.       If you could choose to stay a certain age forever what age would it be?

I would stay thirty-six forever.

10.   What are you most grateful for?

I am most grateful for my life, my children, and my husband, and God.

 
11.   If someone wrote a book about your life, what would they title it?

A book about my life would be titled: You Can’t Make This Shit Up

Eleven random facts about me:

1.       I have a village living in my head.

2.       A perfect day would include the beach, gardening, scrapbooking, reading, and eating great food.

3.       I get really bad anxiety at times.

4.       Grandkids are amazing people.

5.       My ideal home would have a floor to ceiling bookcase covering one entire wall in every room because a girl can’t have too many books.

6.       I wish I could find someone to draw realistic pictures of all my alters.

7.       I love fresh peaches just picked from the tree when they yield slightly to pressure and are warm from the sun.

8.       The tulips coming up in the spring make me really happy.

9.       I tolerate cold weather because I really hate bugs and spiders.

10.   I love the smell of books.

11.   I want to publish a novel before I die.

 

My Nominees:

http://marthahorman.blogspot.com/

 

http://mightaswelltry.blogspot.com/

 

http://bayoubytes.blogspot.com/

 

http://southernfriedchildren.blogspot.com/

 

http://etherealhighway.blogspot.com/

 

http://chumpletwrites.blogspot.com/

 

 I only listed six blogs because most of the others blogs on my list haven’t updated for a long time and the rest have over 200 followers.

 

Questions for you to answer:

1.       Why did you begin blogging?

2.       If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?

3.       What was your favorite book when you were eight years old?

4.       What author inspires you and why?

5.       What would a perfect day in your world look like?

6.       What is one of your talents and why do you enjoy it?

7.       What would you like to change in your life?

8.       If you could stay a certain age forever, what age would you choose?

9.       Are you a morning person or a night person?

10.   What book are you currently reading?

11.   What are you most grateful for?

 

Have fun and remember to leave me a link to your blog post, so I can check it out.

 

 

Pillar of Salt

Sometimes, I don't know how my husband puts up with me. I've struggled lately to connect to him or anyone else, so much so that he started to think that I no longer loved him.

We talked and I told him that I felt frozen, frozen like a pillar of salt, like in the story of Lot and his wife, which by the way, I really, really hate that story because I don't think that God would have ever had one of his daughters have sex with their father. This is a scripture that can become quite twisted by people who justify sexually abusing their children. In fact, I'm sure my own father probably used this scripture for his own evil purposes. It should be stricken from the bible.

End of mini-rant and back to my story. We talked and we've both been trying harder to connect with each other, which once again proves to me that I married the right man. He is a saint in how he is willing to be patient, kind, and gentle with his bent wife. I really would not want to be married to me, yet he hangs in there and treats me with love and respect and helps me to continue the healing process.

I am thankful for this man.

Still Kicking

I guess my sister telling Dad that he would have to spend some time in hell when he died to pay for the things he had done in this life got to him - that or it may have been her saying, "I'd like to have a funeral for you, but no one would come," so he decided to have the procedure and live to see another day or year or however long he has in this world.

Damn.

I'm sure my mom thinks I'm going straight to hell for not being happy that he is alive. She tried to tell me that it was a good thing when she heard the dissappointment in my voice upon his recovery. "It is good for your sister," she said. I personally don't see how my sister living with her perp who still verbally abuses her is ever a good thing.

So now he is at home higher than a kite, which to me means my sister lied about how sick he really was and got my hopes up for nothing. Plus, I always worry that he will contact me with mean, angry, hurtful, hatefilled words that pierce and terrify. I worry because throughout the years he has done just that - to other family members, and I really don't want it to be my turn to hear from him.

I always wondered how I would feel when the time came, so the good thing is that now I know I will feel relief and freedom from the burden that his meanness brings.

Dad - Still Ticking?

Mom called today to let me know that my dad is in the hospital. He had another heart attack and isn’t expected to live. I am not counting that chicken before it hatches, but it is hard not to feel excited and joyful over the prospect of him leaving the earth.

Of course I toned it down for her because she feels sad about him dying as does my little sister who lives with him and spent the day at the hospital with him. I know she could use some support at the hospital, but I can’t bring myself to be in close proximity to my father.

 

Half of my DNA came from him, yet I feel no sorrow at the news of his death. I’ve been shut off emotionally for some time, but after mulling this over for several hours, I have to admit that I feel lighter and freer than I’ve felt in a long time. Hell, no-one may even go back inside so the rest of us can celebrate his death – not his life – but his death. I feel happy and relieved that if he dies, he will never be able to hurt another person.

 

Tonight I laughed with two of my sisters about the prospect of his death. Of course if there is a funeral, I won't be able to go because it is bad from for my littles to giggle at a funeral - people wouldn't understand. One sister called me worried about how I would handle this news because at one time, I had a good relationship with him – before he beat up Grandma and all the memories of his abusive behavior came back to me.

I called my little sister because I worried about how she would handle the news. She is even more gleeful than I am. Mom told me was sad about it, but she isn’t – at all.  

 

I talked to my sister who lives with him. She told him he would have to spend some time in Hell to pay for all the horrible things he has done in this life, but she loves him, and she is hurting, so I didn’t share my joy with her, but instead, I was properly kind and compassionate. I said, “I’m sorry you are hurting.” He is my dad too, but if Mom has to call and tell me someone is dying – it couldn’t happen to a more perfect candidate for death.

 

I don’t know how we are supposed to feel because we’ve never had our perpetrator who is also our father die before – if he dies, and again, I’ll believe it when he actually dies. I think he likes to tease us with his potential death – this has happened before, but this time it feels like it just may happen, and if it does, I get to find out how a system deals with this type of death – but hey – better him than anyone else on the planet. For my future, I see no more fear - and way more writing - with any luck.