Haunted Sister by Lael Littke

When I started reading this book, I was expecting a ghost story, but Littke's novel of a twin who thinks she is possessed by her dead twin, touches on DID. The main character - Janine/Lenore - is even told that DID is a possibility, but Janine believes that in a near death experience, the long dead Lenore has entered her body for a second chance at life.

Overall Littke did a pretty accurate job of describing the fear I felt when I first suspected that someone else was living inside my body. I wondered if I was possessed; I wondered if my soul had split into pieces - if I was a conjoined twin without the other body. I asked, "Can more than one soul dwell in the same body?" I was scared to look in the mirror because I didn't know who would be looking back at me.

This book is written for teens, but I think anyone with DID would enjoy the story. The novel is not a textbook case, but neither is it a Hollywood depiction of DID, which I appreciated. This is a topic I have never come across in a teen novel, and I have read a lot of them. While I am glad to see an author tackle this subject, I worry that someone without background knowledge about DID would become very confused by this story line. I was even confused at times (hell, I'm confused at times about my own life).

This novel gives a lot of room for thought. It brings up society's views toward "crazy" people. It brings up the confusion and struggle of knowing one is not "normal" - whatever that is. It also talks about trauma being the cause of DID and how out of control a person with DID feels in the beginning - and sometimes in the middle and end.

Thank you, Lael Littke for writing about a topic that seldom gets a fair shake. This is as close as I've seen in fiction to actual DID. Remember I said close. No two systems are the same; no two alters are the same; this is a book that is presented as a haunting, and it is fiction. Lenore often acted like a rebellious alter in a system that is not functioning well. Remember that when a system functions well, no one outside of the system (unless they are super emotionally close to the person) can tell that the person has DID. Often it takes years for the person with alters to know about them. Littke has too many people figuring it out in her novel; when in reality, it would only have been one or two if that. However, I am happy to see a book, any book, give DID an opportunity to be seen in a less scary light. Note: those without DID may be scared (or confused) about DID by reading this book, but those with DID may relate in some small way to Janine/Lenore and feel that yes, there is literature out there for us.

Numbing

Numbing – I find I do it a lot. Some of us with DID often feel emotionally numb. It was easier as child to not feel – no anger, sadness, fear, etc. The problem with numbing is that the positive emotions are also numbed. I do it without even thinking about it. I can’t seem to stop it.

The biggest problem with numbing is that it interferes with my relationships with others. I’m sure most of those who love me have called or visited when I am in a numb state. I don’t react to emotional cues, and while sometimes another alter whispers, “Hey, I think you need to respond with more feeling,” or some other such words, often, I don’t realize how cold I’ve been until the person has hung up or left.

I want to apologize to any of my loved ones if I have made you feel like you don’t matter to me. This is one of the hard things about DID. I am often in a wait and see mode – meaning – wait to see what people do or say before I do or say much at all. At times you may be dealing with an alter who isn’t very close to you. Yes, I would like to think that all of my loved ones are adored by the whole system, but that simply isn’t the case. I wish it was, but it isn’t. I hate that it isn’t, and I don’t know what to do about it.

It makes me want to go back into therapy to see if there is a way to make all my alters feel an attachment to all of my loved ones. However, I don’t want to go back into therapy because of the financial burden it places on my husband. Our insurance is not good, and the last time I went, we ended up paying for most of it. Most insurance companies don’t look kindly on mental health issues.

Thinking about this post and my post from a couple of weeks ago – Who Chose This?– made me realize why I chose to be with a man who wasn’t good for me. He made me feel – all the time, and it was good, and yes, I miss feeling that alive. But I don’t miss how out of control it made me feel at times. I also know that he wasn’t good for most of me or for my 3D children.

Just know if you are one of my friends or a loved family member – know that I love you, even when I don’t react the way you think I should. Being robotic is not fun for me either. It reminds me of  The Terminator when Arnold scans things for information on how to act or what to say. Often, I feel like that only without the drive to terminate humans (unless they are rotten people - then I want say, "You're terminated, f*****.").

I Need to Access Information in Another Alter

I need to take a test for re-licensure next week. I studied somewhat for this test while school was in session, and the alter who does school understood what I studied. But now school is out, and today when I tried to study, I didn’t understand anything I read. I know that someone inside knows this stuff. It is times like this that I really hate having DID. This test is expensive, and I need to pass it.

For the most part, I am okay with my DID, but today I need to vent about it. Religion is another hard thing. My host is LDS, but my alters each have different stances on theology – from Catholicism to Atheism. When Saturday night comes around, there is a lot of internal arguing going on about going to church the next day. Several of my alters have no interest in Church – of any kind. If they come out when I am at church, they promptly go to sleep and take me along with them – even when I’ve had enough sleep and am not tired. It is embarrassing.

The church thing I’ve dealt with for years, but the test worries me. I will be at school tomorrow for an hour or two; I hope that if I study right when I get home tomorrow that the alter who needs to be out will be out. I also hope that the right alter will be there for the test. Sometimes DID is not a superpower in any way – it is just a hindrance that causes worry and anxiety.

How do others of you with DID cope with issues like this?