Who Chose This?

While reflecting on life choices - manly men I dated - I wondered which alters picked which men. This started while thinking about my ex-husband and feeling sorry for him for the confusion he must have felt while being married to me.

When I married him, I was young and still undiagnosed with DID. He must have been so mixed up at times. My current husband has commented that being married to me is harder than he thought it would be. He still feels it is worth it though. I am a lot more stable now than during my first marriage. My alters communicate with one another, which helps a lot, but still, all of my men choices were made before I knew about my alters.

As I went through the list, I realized that the shortest relationships were those when only one or two alters chose the man. I have had a lot of internal dialogue asking, "Who chose him?"

"I did."

"Well, you would."

"He was awful."

"No, he was fun." and so forth.

One man asked me out for a year before I said yes. He only appealed to the teacher alter. He made me think, and he was smart. He was also emotionally unstable and very loud which annoyed the hell out of several other alters. We dated for about six months, which surprises me now, but I did learn a lot from him.

Certain alters chose dates based physical characteristics, and that seldom lasted long. Others chose based on what they needed at the time. It is a miracle I ever chose anyone to marry.

Imagine the poor guy who was liked by one alter but hated by a different alter. He is feeling the love, but the next time he sees me, a new alter can't tolerate him and dumps him.

My current husband was chosen by 9 of my 13 alters, which is, I think, a pretty high number of alters agreeing on one person. If I had known about my alters before choosing him, would have chosen anyone at all to be with? I have two alters who have no interest in him, and one alter who likes him because he buys good food, but other than that ignores his presence and rolls her eyes at him if she is out. Nine of the alters like him a lot - for many different reasons. On the whole, he is good for my system and helps everyone feel safe.

Now I find myself questioning my life choices and asking myself, "Who chose this, and is this choice really in the best interest of the system." I can't think about just one alter. All of us need to feel like we are a part the whole in order for the system to function well. I know most working mothers feel like they perform a balancing act in order to do it all. I also feel that work hard to give my others balance. I may need another alter just to balance alters (joking – sort of) :) Maybe this is true cloning - we look the same (on the outside) but we all have different responsibilities.

I guess DID is the real way to be more than one person. I knew DID was a superpower; however, I think my poor husband who has to put up with 13 different personalites is the real superhero.