Response to a Loving Mother

A reader left a comment asking how she can better relate to her adult daughter who has DID. I am happy to answer for myself, but I know that every person who has DID has a system unique to them. I would appreciate any of my readers who have DID to respond to her questions in the comments section if you are comfortable doing so.

Q 1: How can people best relate to you?

A 1: I like to be treated the same way I was before I told my family members that I have DID. I don’t like people to bring DID up in casual conversation. I have alters who are not comfortable discussing DID. They don’t want to talk about it and get annoyed when it is brought up because they like to think that they are hidden. When they are asked about it, they can feel betrayed (by me). I am okay with those who know my diagnosis asking, “I have a question about DID; is it okay if I ask?” At that point if I feel safe, I can have an alter come forward who can talk about it. Sometimes it is scary to talk about it because I became DID as a defense mechanism. Talking about it can sometimes make me feel vulnerable - not always though - so just ask if you can ask.

Q 2: If we are talking – who am I really talking to especially when we are involved in a difficult or heated conversation?
A 2: My mother asked me this question once; she asked, “So who am I talking to right now?” I really hate this question because you are always talking to me. ‘Me’ being however is out. I don’t always think about who is out – the alter who is out is usually the one who needs to be out. Some people who are really close to me can tell who is out, but they don’t bring it to my attention. I only share traits of my alters with those I really trust. If they are observant, they can usually figure out who they are talking to.

I am curious about how others with DID feel about this question. Does it bug you to be asked who is out? It really bugs me.

Q 3: How can I protect you? How can I have your best interest when there may be multiple personalities?
A 3: I wish my mother would ask this question, but I haven’t shared my blog with her because I don’t always feel safe with her. You can’t really protect us, but you can do things to make yourself a safe person for your daughter. I need my mother to be honest with me, but she is not. I need my mother to stand up for what she professes to believe in, but she does not. I need my mother to not be a hypocrite, but she is a hypocrite.

My husband protects me by realizing when I am at my emotional limit. He knows when I need to rest. He knows when he needs to give me space. He makes me feel safe because he is honest, trustworthy, dependable, loving, gentle, and kind. He never makes me feel threatened. He doesn’t like to talk about my DID, but I am okay with that. He said, “It doesn’t really matter to me because I love all of you.” He does get confused at times when an alter is out who he is not as familiar with. He will say, “You are off today, aren’t you.” When he says that, it makes me smile all the way to my toes because it lets me know that he recognizes differences, but he loves me anyway.

I also think it is very important to honor your daughter’s wishes to not share her diagnosis with anyone. My mother told someone in front of me about my diagnosis; I was not happy with her because it was one more violation of trust. It upsets me because there is such a stigma associated with DID. I don’t want to lose my job or have people judge me unfairly. My brain created my alters to keep me safe and functioning. I function well in life, but I would never want people waiting for me to crack like a Hollywood portrayal of DID. I am quite stable.

Dear Reader,
Thank you for asking these questions. I can see that your heart is in the right place. You love your daughter and want to be there for her and to help her. Allow her to talk with you as she needs to, but remember she is still your daughter; she just has a brain that has created other parts to help her deal with emotional and physical pain. She is not her diagnosis – please remember that. She is your daughter who happens to have DID.

This diagnosis is very scary at first. At this point in my healing, I am okay with it. There are times when it is an annoyance, and there are times when it is scary, but it can even be helpful at times (like a superpower). J

Please feel free to ask any questions you have, 

Sunshine

Christmas Aftermath

For years after my parents divorced, I struggled through my birthday and Christmas. We (a general we, not just me and my system) are brought up with Hollywood's idea of the Christmas/Birthday miracle. You know the one where the main character struggles through some horrible problem - death, abuse, homelessness, hunger, poverty, etc.  - but on the birthday or on Christmas day, the miracle happens and the problem is overcome.  Abusive parents become humble and loving. Alcoholic parents or caretakers finally see the light and love the child enough to change. Unemployed parents find the golden job that will change the lives of the entire family. The homeless parent will find a story book home in a story book neighborhood, and all will be well. I approached each birthday and Christmas with hope springing eternal, only to have that hope slapped down good and proper by the end of the day.

On each birthday, I longed for my father to call and say, "Happy Birthday." Of course if he had remembered to call, he would have called me unspeakable names and forgotten it was actually my birthday, but at least he would have called. I could have pretended that some part of his sub-conscious mind knew it was indeed my day. But he never called, and by the time I was 12, I hated my birthday with a passion.

The year I turned 13, I thought for sure he would call. I was now a teenager, he had to remember. Right? The day wore on and no call came. I had friends over, and we went to the high school to play Dare Base. By the time we began walking home, I was in tears. Why couldn't he remember my birthday? I was so sad. My friends asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't put it into words for them. I was just sad, so we sang, "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I want to," all the way home - which helped. :)

Christmas came a few months later with all those same feelings. Certainly Dad would grow up this year. He would see how much he loved us. We would matter, and he would clean up his act and come see us. But Christmas came without any sign of a decent father - or even any sign of my indecent one. :) This went on year after year until one year I met a man who healed my birthday and Christmas issues.

Although I didn't end up marrying this man, he was sent to help in my healing process. When my birthday rolled around, he wanted to make a big deal of it. I told him, "No, I don't like my birthday." I went to class that night, so that he couldn't do anything for my birthday. If I didn’t have any expectations, I couldn't be disappointed. Halfway through class, he showed up with a double layer full sheet cake ablaze with 100 candles. Oh my word, I could hardly believe it. When I told him I was not 100, he said, "Yes, but didn't it look so cool with all those candles?" He showed me how to enjoy the moment with little things like 100 flaming birthday candles. Plus, I knew what he did, he did for me. He made me feel like I mattered.

He did the same type of things for Christmas, and I made a decision right then and there that from now on, I was reclaiming my birthday and Christmas. I would enjoy the small joys of each day and no longer allow my father to ruin them. I can say that for the last 14 years, I have enjoyed both days.

Christmas this year was peaceful and joyful. I am thankful for the people that Heavenly Father brings into my life to help with my healing process. I pray that all of you who read my blog had a very Merry Christmas!

I Discovered Pinterest - and it is Fun!

I wondered what all the hype was about Pinterest. Now I know. Pinterest is fun. Pinterest helps a person organize the coolness that is the internet. If I like something, I can find it again.

For a person with DID or multiples, it also can be used as a place to organize alters and all the stuff that interests them. Being able to find pictures of what my alters enjoy, brings me peace. It allows me to take what I see in my head and say, "This is what I was thinking. Now my family and friends (those who know I have DID) can get to know all of me a little bit better.

I don't know if all of my alters will play on Pinterest, but a few have already found things to share.

Sunshine's Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/sunshineshadows/

Never Still Applies

Today I want to respond to a comment that was left on this post. I certainly do not want to upset the visitor who left this comment because I appreciate comments, so I almost didn’t respond, but after thinking about this for several days, I decided that I need to (for own healing) address this comment. To my vistor in question, "I'm sorry if I misread your comment."

The comment: “I do want to argue against some of your post. You know better than I, probably, that 'never' and 'always' only work halfway with multis. And with someone who is multiple because of sexual abuse as a child, yes, a child alter shouldn't, in most cases, be allowed to have sex.

But sex is a healing activity, as well. Sometimes a child alter can find that sex is a fun game and not scary, and this is healing - if approached with a partner that is careful and caring.”

I agree that the word “never” and “always” only work halfway with those of us with DID; however, I stand by my original post that a child, even when that child resides in the body of an adult, should never be subjected to sex. Sex is not a fun game for a child and it is scary.

Many victims of child sexual abuse were abused by family members or trusted family friends.  Fathers, brothers, uncles, mothers, sisters, aunts, grandfathers, grandmothers, etc. – were the very ones who perpetrated the abuse. These trusted people used the love of a child to gain access to the child – to groom the child into silence. A father said, “I do this because I love you so much.”

A trusted family friend said, “This is our special secret,” or “You’re my favorite,” or "Do you want to play a fun game?"

And these words create confusion in the child. Sometimes the child’s body responds to the abuse in a way that makes the child feel pleasure which further confuses the child and make the child feel guilty for the actions of the perpetrator.

These so called “partners” of the abused child are "careful and caring" (in their own minds), yet the abuse is still there, it is still going on, and the damage to the child is still there – even if the perpetrator left no physical bruises or scars. The emotional damage will always be there. The child may heal after years of therapy, but often a trigger can bring it all to the surface again making them feel that there is no safe person they can trust.

I agree that sex can be a healing activity when approached with a caring, gentle partner. But the sex must be between two consenting adults.

I have seen the destruction in a person who as an adult was subjected to sex while a child alter was out. Any person who is in a sexual relationship with an adult survivor of child sexual abuse, should bloody well be adult enough to back off when a child alter is out. Otherwise we head down that slippery slope that perpetraters love so much. Their views on sex allow them to justify the abuse. They can say, "She wanted it. She came on to me," when all the child in question did was give them an innocent hug or sit on their lap. I really hate perpetraters, and I could seriously put a bullet in their heads (all of them) and feel no remorse.

I stand by my statement that children should never be subjected to sex – even when the child in question resides in an adult body.