Q 1: How can people best relate to you?
A 1: I like to be treated the same way I was before I told my family members that I have DID. I don’t like people to bring DID up in casual conversation. I have alters who are not comfortable discussing DID. They don’t want to talk about it and get annoyed when it is brought up because they like to think that they are hidden. When they are asked about it, they can feel betrayed (by me). I am okay with those who know my diagnosis asking, “I have a question about DID; is it okay if I ask?” At that point if I feel safe, I can have an alter come forward who can talk about it. Sometimes it is scary to talk about it because I became DID as a defense mechanism. Talking about it can sometimes make me feel vulnerable - not always though - so just ask if you can ask.
Q 2: If we are talking – who am I really talking to especially when we are involved in a difficult or heated conversation?
A 2: My mother asked me this question once; she asked, “So who am I talking to right now?” I really hate this question because you are always talking to me. ‘Me’ being however is out. I don’t always think about who is out – the alter who is out is usually the one who needs to be out. Some people who are really close to me can tell who is out, but they don’t bring it to my attention. I only share traits of my alters with those I really trust. If they are observant, they can usually figure out who they are talking to.
I am curious about how others with DID feel about this question. Does it bug you to be asked who is out? It really bugs me.
Q 3: How can I protect you? How can I have your best interest when there may be multiple personalities?
A 3: I wish my mother would ask this question, but I haven’t shared my blog with her because I don’t always feel safe with her. You can’t really protect us, but you can do things to make yourself a safe person for your daughter. I need my mother to be honest with me, but she is not. I need my mother to stand up for what she professes to believe in, but she does not. I need my mother to not be a hypocrite, but she is a hypocrite.
My husband protects me by realizing when I am at my emotional limit. He knows when I need to rest. He knows when he needs to give me space. He makes me feel safe because he is honest, trustworthy, dependable, loving, gentle, and kind. He never makes me feel threatened. He doesn’t like to talk about my DID, but I am okay with that. He said, “It doesn’t really matter to me because I love all of you.” He does get confused at times when an alter is out who he is not as familiar with. He will say, “You are off today, aren’t you.” When he says that, it makes me smile all the way to my toes because it lets me know that he recognizes differences, but he loves me anyway.
I also think it is very important to honor your daughter’s wishes to not share her diagnosis with anyone. My mother told someone in front of me about my diagnosis; I was not happy with her because it was one more violation of trust. It upsets me because there is such a stigma associated with DID. I don’t want to lose my job or have people judge me unfairly. My brain created my alters to keep me safe and functioning. I function well in life, but I would never want people waiting for me to crack like a Hollywood portrayal of DID. I am quite stable.
Dear Reader, Thank you for asking these questions. I can see that your heart is in the right place. You love your daughter and want to be there for her and to help her. Allow her to talk with you as she needs to, but remember she is still your daughter; she just has a brain that has created other parts to help her deal with emotional and physical pain. She is not her diagnosis – please remember that. She is your daughter who happens to have DID.
This diagnosis is very scary at first. At this point in my healing, I am okay with it. There are times when it is an annoyance, and there are times when it is scary, but it can even be helpful at times (like a superpower). J
Please feel free to ask any questions you have,
Sunshine
7 comments:
I think it is wonderful that this mother is asking these questions. Iread through your resoonses, and I would answer identically. :)
For me, so much was about acceptance. It took awhile for my family to accept the diagnosis. Much of that has been due to the public's misperception of exactly what DID is and the many faces it can take (no pun intended). :) Because Iwas not like the media portrayal of DID, some family members thought I was whack andseeing a whacko therapist. However, through education they have totally put the pieces together (again, no pun intended----I'm "full og it this morning! LOL!)
Lothlorien
I wanted to respond to these questions. I think it is wonderful that this reader is wanting to learn, and sounds like is trying to be supportive as well. Understand that everyone with DID is just as unique as each person on the face of the planet is. Your best place is to ask your daughter. If she is comfortable answering questions, then she will. Please do not push her to answer, give her room because if she has been newly diagnosed, she is still in that discovery stage.
To Q1 - The best way to relate to her is just be her mom, treat her as normal as possible. Your daughter is a human being with one head. She has gone through some trauma in her life.
To Q2 - If you are concerned about "who" you are talking to, then you can always ask. Its not a guarantee you will get an answer. Some people with DID do not mind being asked "who" is out front, others do not like being asked the question. The only way you will know for sure is to ask your daughter how she feels about this. For myself, if I am comfortable and safe with the person, then my alters do not mind being asked "who" is out.
To Q3 - You will again have to ask your daughter this question. For me, since my mom was one of my main abusers, I wish she would stop continueing to try ways to abuse me.
If you would like to know more about DID, you can also visit my blog at www.journeyofthebrokenpieces.blogspot.com
Q 1: How can people best relate to you?
A 1: The simplest answer is, relate to me like anyone else, but try to be understanding when I seem to have really wide mood swings or problems remembering something.
If you really want to relate well to me, though, it'll take time. As you get to know different parts of me, you'll learn how to relate to each one. Just like getting to know a group of people - at first you relate to them as a group, but as you get to know individuals, you'll learn how best to talk to each one.
Most of my alters like to be individually recognized and questioned about themselves. Some don't, though. And some don't know any of the answers. Conversation about our multiplicity can make us feel vulnerable, so asking if it's okay to bring it up is a very kind way to do it.
Q 2: If we are talking – who am I really talking to especially when we are involved in a difficult or heated conversation?
A 2: We tend to grin when someone asks us who is out; the answer is, "Me", of course. If you can't tell who is out, and it's important to be talking to a certain person, then you can ask for that person. We'll usually shift to put the correct person out. Or if an inappropriate person is out, we can say, "you really should talk to so-and-so about this."
Q 2b: I am curious about how others with DID feel about this question. Does it bug you to be asked who is out? It really bugs me.
A 2b: Actually, it kind of tickles us to be asked who is out. Assuming that it's asked out of concern or caring. It means that someone is trying to be careful of our multiplicity and trying to understand
Q 3: How can I protect you? How can I have your best interest when there may be multiple personalities?
A 3: I find the phrasing 'how can I protect you' to be odd, but coming from a mother's perspective, maybe not so much. There is probably one alter, likely the host, that you know better than the others. And that one person can help answer this question as it relates to them. But the fact that you care, that you are trying to learn more, is the most important thing. How can you help? Patience and understanding. Let your daughter know that you care what she's going through and you want to understand and know more. Give her time and space to work through it, and be patient when her memorys are a problem or when she's having an off day. I think the worst thing you can do is to deny the issue exists.
I am only beginning to learn about DID through your blog.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your openness and your sharing. Regardless if it affects me directly, you are helping me understand something I may have around me and not even realize.
Thank you for letting me peek in...you are huge in my book.
And heart.
Thank you to those how have left comments so far on this issue. I find it interesting to see how others answer these questions.
the question i hate more than that is, "you're not here right now are you?" mostly asked by my boyfriend. Here is the answer. If you have to ask the question, then of course I am disasociating. If you really want to know who specifically is out, than like the above question, ask if you can ask. They might tell you or not, it's not my call.
Thank you all so much! I'm the mom and I read the post and have started on the comments. As I read and comment, please teach and correct me if I say something insensitive or ignorant. Right now I'm taking it all in.
I thought I'd add that she knows I'm not embarrassed by her diagnosis. I have a tendency to be transparent and her telling me not to share her diagnosis is to reign me in.
For now, I'm going to try to be quiet, read all I can, and take it all in. I saw at least one link to another blog - thank you!!
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