It's been a while

 I haven't posted for a while, but I recently came across a website that has a lot of helpful information for those of us with DID. I've been researching again because since I went back to work during a pandemic, my system is struggling. When I was at home, it was a lot easier on the system because for the most part, it didn't really matter who was out, and I could float through my days doing whatever. 

Here is a link to an article about common myths of DID. There is only one that I'm not quite sure I agree with. 

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/didmyths

Here is the myth that I don't feel is quite right. 

"MYTH:  DID HAPPENS BECAUSE THE MIND IS SO TRAUMATIZED THAT IT SPLITS INTO TONS OF ALTERS.  THE MIND JUST SHATTERS INTO PIECES UNDER ALL THE PRESSURE OF TRAUMA.

This was a long-believed model for DID, and one still held by many therapists today who have not updated themselves with the current understanding of dissociation and identity development. The Theory of Structural Dissociation states that DID results from a failure to integrate into one identity, NOT a whole that breaks, shatters or splits. We have a more detailed (but also very “layman-friendly”) explanation here: You Did Not Shatter."

I believe this is not quite right because at times I feel shattered, but I can see where it is a failure to integrate into one identity. I can also see that it could be a child learning who they are and have the need to form identities to keep them safe from their abusers. I don't think we quite have the whole answer on this one yet?

What do you think is right on this one?

As I read this blog post, I had to smile at some of the myths and nearly cry at others. DID is incredibly complex.

Hope you are all well if any of my followers are still out there in blog land.

Just When I Think it May be Safe to Come Out

I've been working on a book of poetry for my children about my DID and the experiences that caused me to have DID. I thought maybe I'd even try to get them published in hopes it could help someone with life experiences similar to mine.

However, I did a search on Twitter for Dissociative Identity Disorder, and the results make me want to cry. The movie Split that came out not too long ago, didn't help anything. Of course the person with DID is a crazed kidnapper/murderer.

This Article on CNN says "In contrast with McAvoy's character, Deckel said, people with DID, who may represent over 1% of Americans, are rarely violent. Research has shown that they are far more likely to hurt themselves than to hurt others."

I wish more people knew this fact. We are rarely violent. Rarely. Rarely. Remember that, all ye who have this condition. 

DID is used as a slur against any behavior that the Twitterer doesn't care for - any behavior they deem crazy.

Yes, there are supportive places on Twitter, but reading the tweets that are negative and do not in any way even attempt to understand DID make my heart hurt. All my parts want to go hide in the safety of the inside.

I want to destigmatize this condition. I want to be a champion for those suffering with it, but I also want to continue working in my field. I don't want to be viewed as the monster that I am not. I don't want my condition to be used against me. My system is working well together. 

I am glad for the progress being made towards acceptance of depression and anxiety, but we have a long way to go on many other mental illnesses.

I hope in my lifetime that I feel safe to come out to the world.

PostSecret

Today I read a PostSecret postcard that gave me chills. I didn't send it in, but I have a little inside (Annie) who relates perfectly to the words.

She often has a silent scream that is silenced by the others that dwell inside. I wonder if knowing the secret would heal me or condemn me.

Peace

Recently there's been a feeling of peace in my system. September usually throws me off, and it did for a while, but I've been doing a lot of introspection. The others talking and sharing have really helped me this month.

If you have DID, do you have a month that throws you for a loop? How do you deal with it?

Soul Mates - is that even possible?

My mom recently told me that my husband was my soulmate, and my response to her statement troubled me.

He is a good husband, and I love him, but soul mate? I'm not sure if it is possible for someone with DID to have a soulmate. He doesn't like to talk about my alters or my weirdness, so how can we be soulmates? A few of my alters don't even like him, so of course he can't be a soulmate.

I though back on relationships I've had, and no, I don't think I ever found a soulmate. I've had good friends, people I love, who are closer to soulmates than my own husband. Past boyfriends could not be all things to all alters, so I didn't leave a soulmate behind.

With DID, the system is about survival. My system does well with my husband - he is liked by most of the system. He is safe and makes us feel secure. He is a good father and provider. He is not my soulmate, but I don't think that is possible in my situation. How does a system with thirteen alters find one person who is everything to all of them? I don't see it happening. Sometimes (often), I think it was very unfair of me to marry and bring him into this chaos.

Fellow DIDers, do you have a soulmate?

Inside Out

My daughter went to see Inside Out and told me she thought of me while she watched it, so I went to see it, and had to process it for a few days before I could write about it.

The show is good:entertaining, fun characters, the parents are both living, the conflict of moving is one that many kids can relate to, good art, etc.

After the movie, one of the kids said, "We have movies showing us how cats feel, how cars feel, how dragons feel, and now a movie that shows us that our feelings have feelings."

And I thought, "And you think you are confused."

This movie made me sad because where Riley's key memories are: Family, Honesty, Goofy land, Imagination land, and Hockeyville, mine would look incredibly different. I would have: Child traded for drugs, Battering land, Medical Neglect Land, Polygamyville, Starvation Island, Never fit in anywhere, Abandonment, etc. I'm glad she had a good childhood, but in comparison, my childhood was incredibly messed up.

However, I loved Joy, and like Riley's Joy, my Joy is loved by everyone in my system.

The section of the movie where Joy is not at headquarters and the other emotions are trying to do her job happens often in my head. That is usually when no one comes out and all feelings are muted. She is a place holder only. So if you are with me and I seem drugged and emotionless, just know that all my others are in hiding and are inaccessible, and you are seeing no one.

Riley was unaware of the conversations her emotions were having, but now that I am co-conscious, those discussions are all part of my internal dialogue, and I can hear them all the time, so there is a lot going on in my mind - all. the. time. Unless, everyone disappears and then the silence just about kills me because without my others nothing can happen because no one is just a placeholder. She just keeps track of what is happening but she doesn't act on it.

I liked Sadness in Riley's mind. We need sadness. We need all our emotions. When they were down in the abyss with all the forgotten memories and all was dark, I though of Annie, my alter who has repressed memories. She is always surrounded by dark because she isn't allowed to remember her terror. She is shushed before she can share what happened.

Inside Out is a good movie, one worth seeing, but if you are a multiple, it may get things a bit stirred up in your system.

Strong Enough

In honor of all the people who support those of us with DID - especially my husband - here is Sheryl Crow's Strong Enough.

Strong Enough

My husband is a champ who deals will all of me and none of me when no one is out. I wish I could always be Scarlet for him and for me. I think of all my alters, I feel the best when she is out.