Suicide - Aftermath

We are entering the third month since the death of my beautiful niece. Everything is different.

I feel that my relationship with my sister has changed. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing - it is just different - in ways I can't explain, and I mourn the way things used to be. I also know that if I am hurting this much, she is hurting more, and that pains me to my core. I want to make things better for her - right them - straighten them out, but no one can fix this.

Our family is different. Most of us worry more - anxiety levels are higher. Life is fragile, and we know that everything can and does change in an instant.

I wrote a post about DID and numbing a while back. Unfortunately, I have been unable to numb my feelings during this situation. I believe I can't numb because all of my alters know and love my sister. She is connected to the entire system, so I get to feel the full force of this grief. I wish I could shut it off.

I worry about my children and other loved ones dying. I fear death for others but not for myself - and, no, I am not suicidal. I just don't want to lose anyone else - ever, but I know that is impossible. I will face loss again, and it scares me.

We all constantly look for answers or a way to make sense of her death. There are a lot of whys. We know we will have to accept the fact that we will never know the answers, but it is damn hard.

If you or anyone you know if feeling suicidal, please, please, please, get help. Talk to those who love you or/and a medical professional. Suicide changes everything - for the worse.

Although grief is thick, I have felt a ray of hope the last two days - a little twinge of sunshine trying to break through; I pray it continues.