We are entering the third month since the death of my beautiful niece. Everything is different.
I feel that my relationship with my sister has changed. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing - it is just different - in ways I can't explain, and I mourn the way things used to be. I also know that if I am hurting this much, she is hurting more, and that pains me to my core. I want to make things better for her - right them - straighten them out, but no one can fix this.
Our family is different. Most of us worry more - anxiety levels are higher. Life is fragile, and we know that everything can and does change in an instant.
I wrote a post about DID and numbing a while back. Unfortunately, I have been unable to numb my feelings during this situation. I believe I can't numb because all of my alters know and love my sister. She is connected to the entire system, so I get to feel the full force of this grief. I wish I could shut it off.
I worry about my children and other loved ones dying. I fear death for others but not for myself - and, no, I am not suicidal. I just don't want to lose anyone else - ever, but I know that is impossible. I will face loss again, and it scares me.
We all constantly look for answers or a way to make sense of her death. There are a lot of whys. We know we will have to accept the fact that we will never know the answers, but it is damn hard.
If you or anyone you know if feeling suicidal, please, please, please, get help. Talk to those who love you or/and a medical professional. Suicide changes everything - for the worse.
Although grief is thick, I have felt a ray of hope the last two days - a little twinge of sunshine trying to break through; I pray it continues.
Story Time – Part Two
7 years ago
4 comments:
Loss is difficult. Losing a loved one is difficult. I hope that you are also getting help as well to work through the emotions that surfaced.
I think that you are probably there more for your sister during this time than you probably realize. Sometimes all a person needs is just someone to be there. Not necessarily having to say anything because sometimes there are no words. Sometimes just having the presence of someone there really helps.
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family during this time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that will ever make this act right. We've been on the wanting to be gone end so many times in our past, that now we feel relief that it can usually be handled by one or more interactions with our P-doc. I'm sure your systems safety has been triggered into thoughts around all those regards too. I think in the end its about reaching and finding safety more than simply shutting down. We second your thoughts on looking for help, and not accepting any less. I haven't been on the grieving side of losing someone close. I can touch the sorrow in your voice and hear your arms around your sister. We're hoping for the peaceful moments in-between.
Always our best,
Anns
http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com
http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com
Thank you for sharing your heart.
I have four children, two of which take after their father and are like emotional dead-pans, and two are like me, extremely intense. Unfortunately, neither of these also inherited my incurable optimism and cheery disposition.
Therefore I always have - and probably always will - fear that my boys will some day be tempted by suicide. One still lives with me, and he gets so down, I worry he will do himself in. I've tried to talk him into seeing a counselor... But all I really can do, I suppose, is pray - and be there with an available, supportive, nonjudgemental ear.
My heart is with you and your family as you struggle upstream against this current of grief. You WILL make it! Your strong character has helped you make it this far - it certainly won't fail you now!
I just started a blog of my own - www.SynthiaMasters.com - in which I share not only my life with multiple personalities, but also my optimistic, forgiving attitude. You are more than welcome to come by for a visit and let my words provide a measure of encouragement, I hope. :D
I hope you have been able to find peace throughout this troubled time.
Post a Comment