The Scream

A reader (Cynthia) asked me how many alters I have. I have ten alters that I know of, so counting me (the host), there are eleven of us.


Today, when I went to pick up dinner (because Trina can’t cook her way out of a paper bag), Annie surfaced. Annie is a child of about four years old. She is slight with thin blond hair. She surfaces at times when I am in a car headed north. I’m not sure why that brings her out.

I know when she is near because she comes with the feeling of a tear tightened throat and the burn of tears right behind my eyes. The scream she contains lodges in my chest and feels that it will nearly choke me. Sometimes I wonder if I were to let go of that scream if she would start to heal. I’ve tried to let go of her scream, but I can’t bring myself to scream with the intensity that I feel is there – it comes out as a choke and a whimper. I worry that the neighbors would call the police because they would think someone was killing me. :) So the scream stays inside with Annie.

Annie never surfaces all the way. She doesn’t even have a safe place that is separate from me. She dwells inside – close to my heart - where she feels protected. Her scream today reminded me of a time when I did let out the scream to end all screams.

I was fourteen at the time and walking to the Mall. My hometown was still pretty small and quiet. As I went by a house, the moron lady who dwelt inside let a large black dog outside. Because of her exceptional smartness, she of course turned right around, went back inside her house, and left the dog outside with me. First of all, I am afraid of dogs. Secondly, I believe dogs can smell fear – they are like middle school students sensing the fear of the substitute teacher and then turning that fear against them.

The dog ran for me.

I froze.

I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t think.

The dog began to leap.

I watched in slow motion as he/she (Hey, I was scared – I wasn’t checking out dog genitalia) began to leap for my face, and my life flashed before my eyes.

The ultimate scream tore from my lungs.

The big black dog seemed to stop in midair; it turned, and ran all the way back to its porch.

I stood there for a minute wondering if that horrible sound had really emanated from my body. I was shaking. I quickly looked around to see if I had embarrassed myself in front of any people, but I was still all alone except for the dog. I was surprised the woman hadn’t come back out, but then again maybe she really hated people and hoped I was one less person in the world. The dog crouched on the porch. I slowly walked away from the house – I wasn’t taking a chance by moving too quickly. When I got to the mall, and tried to talk to a clerk, I found that I had no voice. I had screamed myself hoarse – with only one scream.

I wonder if I screamed another ultimate scream again – as Annie – if she would feel safe enough to leave the inside.

Being Trina

Being Trina nearly all the time has its drawbacks. Being her almost all the time has made me think that integration would not be such a bad thing. I am feeling unbalanced. When it is summer and other parts have a chance to be out, I won’t feel the need for integration because everyone will get their turn to shine. Right now, Trina is trying to do it all, but she isn’t very good at anything other than teaching.


Trina cannot find her way around the house if the lights are off. Many of my alters love the dark, but if I’ve been doing school work, and try to get from one part of my house to another part at night with the lights off – Trina bumps into everything. Many of my other alters can travel the house as well in the dark as they can in the daylight.

Trina cannot focus on anything other than school. Because she has to be out so much right now, school is all we think and dream about. People who call and try to converse about other things are probably disappointed in her continual steering of the conversation back to school.

Trina cannot cook very well. I used to think that if a person could read and follow a recipe, they could cook. However, things I’ve made many times in the past are not turning out while Trina is out. Things taste off and don’t look as good as when Laura and Dot are out. I apologize to anyone I’ve ever scoffed at for not being able to cook. Trina can’t even think up what to cook. It may be while before I share a recipe – maybe in the summer.

School, School, School

School - I feel like it is all I think, dream, eat, and sleep.

I am six weeks into my first year. I have graded thousands of papers, survived parent teacher conferences, and will shortly, hopefully, survive my first evaluations.

I spotted a child who was labeled as lazy and gave him a new label - English Language Learner. Unfortunately, this means I don't get to keep him in my class - even though he is doing well and trying hard - because the law states he has to have a teacher who is ESL certified. I cried when I discovered his problem because I kept hearing that he was the laziest kid in the world from his other teachers. I kept saying, "I know I haven't been here long, but I don't think he is lazy. I see him trying to process. He is trying in my class."

He speaks English without an accent. He had a test score on his record that was extremely high. The test score wasn't his, but it led his teachers to brand him as lazy. It took me four weeks, countless prayers on his behalf, and research to figure out what was going on with this kid. I treated him like a language learner because his process was so similar to what I saw when I was a student teacher. After I found out why he struggled, I said to him, “I didn’t know you spoke two languages – you must be really smart.” He smiled and told me that they don’t speak English at home. I am sad to see him leave my classroom, but at least now he can thrive - he proved this in my classroom. I am proud of him. I hope he keeps progressing.

I struggle with having Trina out so much. She is a good teacher, but because she has to be out so much right now, the other parts are not getting their time. I know that next year will be easier because I will have my curriculum developed (as long as they don’t change the grade I teach). I spend countless hours creating the lesson plans for my students each day and then grading their work each night.

I love teaching, but at times I feel overwhelmed and tired. Now that my computer is working again, I will try to update the blog more often. I feel I’ve been sucked into the school vortex and can’t quite make my way out of it. Because so much of my time is spent at school or doing things related to school, I feel the rest of my life is being viewed from Trina’s eyes. She is emotionally detached from all other aspects. Often I feel I am watching my life outside of school from outside of my body. I look forward to summer when all the other parts of me can come out to play. I haven’t cooked a real meal for long time. I am planning – energy permitting – on making a real dinner tomorrow. If all goes well, I’ll have a good recipe for you soon.

Thanks for visiting my blog even when I am not here.

Sunshine