no-one to the rescue

I know that most of my posts since this summer have been sad because I've been sad - really sad. It has been a hard six months, but I've noticed over the last few days that my energy level is coming back up, and I've stopped crying on my way to work every day.

Is my depression lifting? I asked myself, "Are you sad?" Answer, "I don't know."

"Are you happy?" Answer, "I don't know."

I don't feel happy or sad or love or anything - except when I am in my classroom because that is the only time lately that no-one isn't out. I'm glad she recognizes that she isn't needed in class.

no-one is my alter who doesn't feel - she did feel once - but it quickly passed. no-one usually isn't out for extended periods, but with all the madness going on in our life and the world, no-one had to step in. The suicide this summer of my niece, the suicide attempts of a loved one since, the near-death experiences of two other family members, the suicide of a family friend two weeks ago, and then the horror in CT was too much for my system. It was time for an emotion shut-down. I was too depressed and tired to get anything done.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be medicated for some mental illnesses or disorders. I really don't feel anything; I am completely numb. However, I can see that after a while I wouldn't like not feeling. This also helps me understand why those with bi-polar disorder go off their meds. I am an emotional flat-line right now - no highs or lows.

For now I am okay with this. The depression, worry, and anxiety were getting way too bad, almost to the point I thought I'd have to quit my job and stay home all the time because I was so afraid something bad would happen while I was at work, and I wouldn't be available to whoever needed help.

Thank you, no-one. Stick around for a bit while the inside heals. Alters really are created to keep the system alive and functional.

Expanding Her World

The space between the back fence and the house,

Sandbox, swing set, lawn, and flowers, fills her entire world,

Dot, nursery, and garden – a beautifully tiny Joyful existence.

This is her world – unexpandable – until now.

Now she sinks her toes into the warm sand of Bellows,

And builds a sand castle fit for the island lizards.

She inhales sunshine and exhales delight

 

as the surf kisses and tickles her feet and legs.

The man she travels with is unaware of her;

He sees the wife he brought with him, not the child she brings with her.

Sometimes he is aware that she is different.

“You are off today,” he says.

“Yes,” she answers, “but not in a bad way.”

Today beyond the garden and nursery walls

She experiences a world full of Joy.

Joy

Joy with her baby giggles and snuggles
laughs the morning into the sky.

 

Joy slumbers on fluffy clouds that weep sweet softness
into her dreams helping the others to forget their torment.

 

Joy belongs to everyone
and everyone belongs to Joy.

 

Joy laughs, her silky blond baby hair sticks up from
apple juice and syrup and baby sweat.

 

Joy naps with a gentle smile,
clean smooth skin smelling of Johnson & Johnson baby lotion,
and the trace of a dimple in her left cheek that deepens when she awakes.

 

Joy sings; her baby voice reaches out and reels

you in like a fish desperate for land because that is where Joy lives.

 

 

 

 

 

Dot

Sturdy, old, Irish Dot

Stuck with the babies

As happy as a tight shoe

Claiming a foot in a hard embrace

That is her job

No room of her own

Does she ever feel put upon?

Or angry

Or tired

Or want to discover Explorer or Microsoft?

Still she cuddles

And coos

And laughs

And plays

And keeps the babies safe

And warm

And dry

And fed

She without wants of her own

Exists for others

Like a fleece lined slipper that caresses

And comforts

And constructs happy well-nurtured children.