For years after my parents divorced, I struggled through my birthday and Christmas. We (a general we, not just me and my system) are brought up with Hollywood's idea of the Christmas/Birthday miracle. You know the one where the main character struggles through some horrible problem - death, abuse, homelessness, hunger, poverty, etc. - but on the birthday or on Christmas day, the miracle happens and the problem is overcome. Abusive parents become humble and loving. Alcoholic parents or caretakers finally see the light and love the child enough to change. Unemployed parents find the golden job that will change the lives of the entire family. The homeless parent will find a story book home in a story book neighborhood, and all will be well. I approached each birthday and Christmas with hope springing eternal, only to have that hope slapped down good and proper by the end of the day.
On each birthday, I longed for my father to call and say, "Happy Birthday." Of course if he had remembered to call, he would have called me unspeakable names and forgotten it was actually my birthday, but at least he would have called. I could have pretended that some part of his sub-conscious mind knew it was indeed my day. But he never called, and by the time I was 12, I hated my birthday with a passion.
The year I turned 13, I thought for sure he would call. I was now a teenager, he had to remember. Right? The day wore on and no call came. I had friends over, and we went to the high school to play Dare Base. By the time we began walking home, I was in tears. Why couldn't he remember my birthday? I was so sad. My friends asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't put it into words for them. I was just sad, so we sang, "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I want to," all the way home - which helped. :)
Christmas came a few months later with all those same feelings. Certainly Dad would grow up this year. He would see how much he loved us. We would matter, and he would clean up his act and come see us. But Christmas came without any sign of a decent father - or even any sign of my indecent one. :) This went on year after year until one year I met a man who healed my birthday and Christmas issues.
Although I didn't end up marrying this man, he was sent to help in my healing process. When my birthday rolled around, he wanted to make a big deal of it. I told him, "No, I don't like my birthday." I went to class that night, so that he couldn't do anything for my birthday. If I didn’t have any expectations, I couldn't be disappointed. Halfway through class, he showed up with a double layer full sheet cake ablaze with 100 candles. Oh my word, I could hardly believe it. When I told him I was not 100, he said, "Yes, but didn't it look so cool with all those candles?" He showed me how to enjoy the moment with little things like 100 flaming birthday candles. Plus, I knew what he did, he did for me. He made me feel like I mattered.
He did the same type of things for Christmas, and I made a decision right then and there that from now on, I was reclaiming my birthday and Christmas. I would enjoy the small joys of each day and no longer allow my father to ruin them. I can say that for the last 14 years, I have enjoyed both days.
Christmas this year was peaceful and joyful. I am thankful for the people that Heavenly Father brings into my life to help with my healing process. I pray that all of you who read my blog had a very Merry Christmas!
5 comments:
that's a good attitude to have. My birthday is coming up and this has given me food for thought.
Candycan
I had mixed feelings this season. My bday is very near christmas. I really thought DH was going to get me a certain item I really want. Didn't happen. I actually was very very sad that "he didn't care enough". No, he cares. I just had an off perspective this year for some unknown reason. I'll live. I always have. My heart is hurting just telling you about it. But, I'll live.
Hugs,
**
I'm not good on quotes, but I know there's that one that says God brings people into your life for a reason...or something like that.
I believe that.
And what a great person you found at just the right time in life to bring happiness.
Kinda like me now finding you. =)
You captured so well the beauty part of adulthood: getting to choose who we be with and reclaim what was damaged. This made me feel both deeply sad and joyful all at the same time. Thanks for sharing it so beautifully.
My grown daughter has DID. Would you mind writing about how other people can best relate to you?
I wish I could afford a good therapist to learn but I have questions like (and this is an ignorant question because I don't the answer and don't know where to find it) if we're talking - who am I really talking to? Especially if it's a difficult or heated conversation? How can I protect you? How can I have your best interest when there may be multiple personalities?
All she has told me is that she has DID and that she needs to know more of her childhood history. I'm giving her every detail I can remember and a few stories triggered some painful memories for her. :( She also told me not to share her diagnosis with others.
Thank you for blogging and I hope I'm not being offensive by the way I'm asking these questions. I'm going to bookmark your blog and read all I can. My heart hurts for my daughter.
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