The biggest problem with numbing is that it interferes with my relationships with others. I’m sure most of those who love me have called or visited when I am in a numb state. I don’t react to emotional cues, and while sometimes another alter whispers, “Hey, I think you need to respond with more feeling,” or some other such words, often, I don’t realize how cold I’ve been until the person has hung up or left.
I want to apologize to any of my loved ones if I
have made you feel like you don’t matter to me. This is one of the hard things
about DID. I am often in a wait and see mode – meaning – wait to see what
people do or say before I do or say much at all. At times you may be dealing
with an alter who isn’t very close to you. Yes, I would like to think that all
of my loved ones are adored by the whole system, but that simply isn’t the
case. I wish it was, but it isn’t. I hate that it isn’t, and I don’t know what
to do about it.
It makes me want to go back into therapy to see if
there is a way to make all my alters feel an attachment to all of my loved
ones. However, I don’t want to go back into therapy because of the financial
burden it places on my husband. Our insurance is not good, and the last time I
went, we ended up paying for most of it. Most insurance companies don’t look
kindly on mental health issues.
Thinking about this post and my post from a couple
of weeks ago – Who Chose This?– made me realize why I chose to be with a man who wasn’t good for me. He made me feel – all the time,
and it was good, and yes, I miss feeling that alive. But I don’t miss how out
of control it made me feel at times. I also know that he wasn’t good for most
of me or for my 3D children.
Just know if you are one of my friends or a loved
family member – know that I love you, even when I don’t react the way you think
I should. Being robotic is not fun for me either. It reminds me of The Terminator when Arnold scans things for
information on how to act or what to say. Often, I feel like that only without
the drive to terminate humans (unless they are rotten people - then I want say, "You're terminated, f*****.").
4 comments:
Just want you to know that I hear you! xxx
Mama, I love you too :)
Rose
Sunshine ... am surfacing here online and catching up a bit. I know this is an old post, but I so relate to the numbness thing. I spent most of my late teens and ALL of my twenties in a numb fog, and even now, at 53, there are times (particularly when something catastrophic occurs) that I will feel one strong current of emotion ... and then will freeze off the rest. When we lost a son in a car accident sixteen years ago, I was unable to grieve him in the sense that everyone else did. I had to be the one who was strong for my husband and my other children. My littles at the time took to wearing their older brother's teeshirts as night clothes, and I'd be doing laundry, and would have one of his teeshirts in my hands, and would just hold it to me and be overcome with tears ... for a moment. I had to grieve in little bits and pieces. I don't like being this way, and am more "awake" than I have ever been, but I am aware that I have a governor on my emotions that I guess some deep part of my psyche thinks necessary to "protect" me.
I just wanted you to know someone knows what you're talking about!
Love you ... b.
"Yes, I would like to think that all of my loved ones are adored by the whole system, but that simply isn’t the case. I wish it was, but it isn’t. I hate that it isn’t, and I don’t know what to do about it."
I think this is normal, even for those of us who do not have DID. I love my big brother most of the time, for instance, but there is a "part" of me whose buttons he can push without realizing it.
Another way to look at this is in the meaning of the word "namaste" - the Divine in me sees the Divine in you. Logically, the opposite feeling must also exist - a part of me dislikes a part of you.
I agree with one of your commenters that everyone probably is a little bit fragmented. Definitely some more than others.
Post a Comment