Thank you Elder Ballard

Elder Ballard is known for giving talks that soothe the soul and calm the heart. He outdid himself this time giving a talk about depression. You can see his entire talk here: Thank you Elder Ballard

He starts out by mentioning several mental illnesses by name and then says, "However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

If only, if only that was the case in our world. If only I was comfortable talking about my mental illness. If only I didn't have to worry about losing my job because of common misconceptions about my condition. If only.

But, I'm thankful that one man gets it - one man who many people admire and respect. Maybe the tide will turn one day and those of use who have mental illnesses will be allowed to share more and have people see that we can be productive members of society.

I heard this song again today, "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls and it tells it like it is for those of us who have to hide our truth: Link to video

Lyrics:
"Iris"

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

 

It is hard to not have people really know me. I want the people I love to know me - all of me - all thirteen of me or at least those of me who are ready to be known, but that is not my reality. I hope when I die and they give my eulogy that my children will share all of me - that they will tell those I love who I really was. I'll be dead, so I won't care if people judge me harshly for being fractured. I'm sure some will say, "So that is why she was so weird," but some will understand and love me anyway.

 

Elder Holland closed his talk with, "I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”"

This quote both scares and delights me. The thought of not having parts is scary because it is all I know, but the thought of all those parts being put back together and working as one - the one I might have been had monsters not been a part of my childhood - delights my soul. I know that what he says is true and being healed will be okay - a good thing.