Dad - Still Ticking?

Mom called today to let me know that my dad is in the hospital. He had another heart attack and isn’t expected to live. I am not counting that chicken before it hatches, but it is hard not to feel excited and joyful over the prospect of him leaving the earth.

Of course I toned it down for her because she feels sad about him dying as does my little sister who lives with him and spent the day at the hospital with him. I know she could use some support at the hospital, but I can’t bring myself to be in close proximity to my father.

 

Half of my DNA came from him, yet I feel no sorrow at the news of his death. I’ve been shut off emotionally for some time, but after mulling this over for several hours, I have to admit that I feel lighter and freer than I’ve felt in a long time. Hell, no-one may even go back inside so the rest of us can celebrate his death – not his life – but his death. I feel happy and relieved that if he dies, he will never be able to hurt another person.

 

Tonight I laughed with two of my sisters about the prospect of his death. Of course if there is a funeral, I won't be able to go because it is bad from for my littles to giggle at a funeral - people wouldn't understand. One sister called me worried about how I would handle this news because at one time, I had a good relationship with him – before he beat up Grandma and all the memories of his abusive behavior came back to me.

I called my little sister because I worried about how she would handle the news. She is even more gleeful than I am. Mom told me was sad about it, but she isn’t – at all.  

 

I talked to my sister who lives with him. She told him he would have to spend some time in Hell to pay for all the horrible things he has done in this life, but she loves him, and she is hurting, so I didn’t share my joy with her, but instead, I was properly kind and compassionate. I said, “I’m sorry you are hurting.” He is my dad too, but if Mom has to call and tell me someone is dying – it couldn’t happen to a more perfect candidate for death.

 

I don’t know how we are supposed to feel because we’ve never had our perpetrator who is also our father die before – if he dies, and again, I’ll believe it when he actually dies. I think he likes to tease us with his potential death – this has happened before, but this time it feels like it just may happen, and if it does, I get to find out how a system deals with this type of death – but hey – better him than anyone else on the planet. For my future, I see no more fear - and way more writing - with any luck.