Do I Know You?

Co-consciousness for a person with DID is communicating with alters in real time. I like co-consciousness because it makes me feel in control. It also allows me to think of several different perspectives at the same time. Without co-consciousness, people with DID fail to recognize people they should know. For example: A couple of weeks after I started teaching at a school, I ran into a man at Wal-Mart. He greeted me (and he was not the greeter). I said, “Hello,” and continued on my way.

As walked past him, he said, “Aren’t you one of our student teachers.”

I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you without your suit.” Of course I still had no idea who he was.

He laughed, “I’ve had that happen. I’m ****** ****** - the Vice Principal.” He added, “How do you like teaching at our school? Would you consider teaching with us permanently?”

“Yes, I’d love to stay at your school.” I was embarrassed that I hadn’t recognized the VP, but he was gracious about it. When I’m at the school, my alter Trina is out front. When I am shopping, either Grown up or Glory is out.

One day I received a phone call from a teacher who needed me to cover her class for a week. Trina wasn’t out to take this call because I was out. When I ran into her at the school the next day, she said, “I’m so glad you can take my class for me next week.” I gave her a blank stare while I tried to pull the information I needed from somewhere. She looked puzzled and said, “You can teach for me next week, right?” Then everything clicked – this was the same lady I had talked to the day before – only on the phone and at home – not at the school.

“Of course I can.”

Her face brightened and she gave me a hug. “I’m so glad. I worry about leaving my kids with anyone else.”

I thought, “If you had any idea.” Although I have these lapses, I am a good teacher. When I am in the classroom, I am Trina. Trina cares only about the students. She doesn’t like the idea that the host has a husband and children. Her idea of the perfect life would be to live in an apartment with nothing else to do but create lesson plans and find ways to reach all the really hard kids. She loves to talk about her students and plan fun learning activities for them. She has no interest in any other part of our life. She was quite vain in thinking she didn’t need the system to function. If she had her way, she would take over the whole system and not let anyone else out. While in the classroom, she doesn’t even think about the body’s family unless someone asks about them.

One day Trina was out shopping for things for her students at the local thrift store. She needed things from the 60s and 70s for a history lesson. Can you believe her students had never seen a record or a record player? When she brought the record player to class, a student asked if we could play a CD on it. Trina thought this was quite delightful. Anyway, back to the store. As Trina shopped, she heard some ladies on the next aisle. Their voices sounded familiar, but she didn’t go see who they were. She finished looking on that aisle and then went to the next one. As she turned the corner, the two ladies, in unison, said, “Hey, ******* (the body’s name), what are you doing here.” They seemed really happy to see Trina.

Trina looked at them and thought, “They look familiar – where do I know them from.” The ladies came up and put their arms around Trina – hugged her. Then, like a wheel clicking into place, another alter stepped forward. “Mom, Beth, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

My sister Beth looked at me quizzically, “Are you okay?”

“Oh, I just have a lot on my mind with finals coming up and lesson planning. You know how it is.” I quickly turned the conversation to Beth’s classroom and asked how her first year of teaching was going. I helped her find the things she needed for her students. Inside, I was a mess. I had failed to recognize my own mother and sister. I was so mad at Trina for thinking she could be out on her own without anyone else to help. Trina was upset that she had nearly given the whole system away. It is one thing to not recognize a co-worker, but to not know your own mother?!?

Beth asked again as we parted, “You sure you’re okay? You seem really tired.”

“I am tired. I’ll be fine though.”

I sat in my car berating myself and telling the system that we had to have a meeting when my phone rang, “We are going to lunch. Do you want to join us?” Mom asked.

“I better get home and get my homework done. Thanks though.” In truth I needed to process what had just happened. If the system doesn’t work together, people will figure out that something is not right. The system was created as a survival mechanism. I was embarrassed and angry. We had a group meeting and we talked about how important it is to communicate with each other. Trina had not been sharing. Because of her selfishness, we failed to recognize two people from the school and our own family members. She still feels badly about this; she knows she failed us. This has helped make her a bit less cocky. She has to communicate with the system so that we don’t embarrass ourselves by not knowing people when she isn’t out. She also needs to allow someone else to be out with her when she is outside of the classroom because she doesn’t know all our people.

While having DID can be frustrating, it keeps things interesting. I know that when I call myself us or we it can be confusing, but I am not just one – I am eleven different ones all wrapped up in the same body, so it is hard for me think singularly when I am a plural. I will try to let you know when I am talking about a 3D person verses one of my alters.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love comments and questions. You give me hope that maybe someday we won’t be viewed as such anomalies – of course after what I wrote today – you may think I am a complete anomaly. But then again, what is “normal” anyway?