My Heart is Full

I may not have been blessed with parents who protected me, but God sent me something even better – children who not only keep me grounded – but who do all they can to protect me. My children know I have a blog and they read it. One of my children called me tonight; she was worried about what would happen if someone figured out this blog belongs to me – like the six degrees of separation theory. I think she is more worried than I am, and it feels so good to have my child want to keep me safe. I am so thankful for my children and the love and joy they bring into my life.

My daughter and I talked about society’s attitudes toward mental illnesses and our hope that someday, people will be more accepting towards those of us who struggle with minds that are not “normal” (whatever that is). I said, “I’m sad that DID is considered a mental illness because I don’t feel mentally ill; in fact, I sometimes feel like I have super powers.” I should probably clarify that for those of you who don’t know me.

When I first suspected that something was not “normal” with my mind, I did feel crazy and broken and incredibly confused, but since I’ve learned more about how my mind works – thanks to therapy, research, a wonderful website for those who have DID, and a book called I am More Than One by Jane Wegscheider Hyman. If you have DID, I recommend this book. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but it has helped me understand the brain processes of DID. Now that my alters are communicating with each other, often more than one is out at once. It is a blessing to be fed several points of view before making a decision. Sometimes an alter will notice something that the person out didn’t see and comment internally on it which helps us see things that might have been missed. So DID can feel like having more than one brain going. I never have to be lonely either. :)

Before I understood that brain process, I felt crazy – like my soul had been split into pieces or that I was possessed by other spirits or beings because they felt so different from me. Now that I understand that they are another part of my brain – they still feel different, but I know they were all created to keep me safe. They protect me the same way my 3D kids protect me.

About a year ago, I had a huge awakening. I had spent a month constantly worrying about who was forward (which alter was out) so much so that I couldn’t enjoy life because of the worry that if the wrong alter was out, I could appear crazy to the rest of the world. I went for a walk, enjoyed nature and the stirrings of spring, and watched the birds and ducks. The walk calmed me, and I thought about how all the parts of me were like my children. They were all created by me. Their roles are to protect me and to make me appear normal to the world. I thought about them in relationship to my 3D children. My 3D children were each created with love, and my end goal for them was that they become positive members of society – essentially the same goal as for my alters. I thought of each of my children and their love for me; each of them would defend me and do all they could to protect me. They represent me and the teachings of our home well. They are loving and compassionate people. I thought further that if I could trust my 3D children who are separate individuals to protect me, shouldn’t I be able to trust my alters, who are parts of me, to keep me safe? Instead of focusing so much energy on figuring out who is out, I need to allow whoever is out to use that energy to represent me to the best of their ability. I need to allow them to do the job they were created to do. As my cyber DID friends tell me, “Trust the process.” I am blessed to have supportive people in my life, in my mind, and online. You all fill my heart.