Watching from Outside

Lately I feel like I am an observer in my life - disconnected and not participating. I'm not sure where everyone went, but no one is out because all others are staying deeply hidden.

It makes me realize that me - the host of all this - isn't really anyone. No personality at all. I am the empty shell and all the others give me life. Damn, I need them.

I miss feeling connected to people and things.

United States of Tara

I finally watched United States of Tara, and enjoyed the first season. What you see on the outside of her portrayal of DID is often what is going on inside my head. However, by the end of the third season, I felt betrayed again that Hollywood once again stereotyped DID and made sure the world believed that those of us with DID are a danger to ourselves, to others, and especially to children. They reinforced the myth that a person with DID will always ruin your special occasion and make it about them or that a trigger will derail life in general. Triggers can derail life, but usually not to the extent that they do in Tara's life.

Of course an accurate portrayal of DID would be boring and wouldn't sell anything, but once again those of us with DID must remain in the closet or those we come in contact with wouldn't trust with anything or anyone.

Boo on you Showtime.

Coming up for Air

My life of late has been busy, and hectic, and stressful, and good.

I have some new things coming up - some good, some will tax my system, but I know how to eliminate the things that aren't helpful when possible.

Being from a large family has advantages and stressors, so I am evaluating what will need to be cut because I can't cut any of the people out of my life which means the job may have to go. This is hard because I've enjoyed my job a great deal, but working in a classroom with PTSD is incredibly difficult at times - even more so than working with DID.

All is well with the husband and the dentist. Yes, I went back to the good dentist and my husband is not giving me any grief about it. He is a good man - just hard to communicate with at times. He really has no background experiences to help him deal with a person who carries the amount of baggage I carry. He was raised by two good parents in a stable, loving home. However, him being as calm and as safe as he is has allowed me to do a great deal of healing.

I want to come out to the world at some point although I know that time is not yet. I want to somehow make it easier for the world to accept those of us with more than one in our brains without them feeling we are a danger to others or a burden to shoulder. I want people to see the value, creativity, and super powers of a person with a shattered mind.

I also want people to understand why sometimes I am a little (or as the case may be, a lot) off during some of our interactions.

In the words of  Goo-goo Dolls' "Iris" (what a strange band name)
"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

Coming out is scary because people judge. They determine you are no longer safe. They think you are what Hollywood says DID is, and they forget all the good you've ever done and see someone broken. So, I want people to know who I am, and yet, I am very protective of that information. Most of the people in my life have no idea of who I am or that I write a blog or that I harbor 12 others inside my mind. My wish is that some day I will feel safe enough to come out to the world without feeling like a circus attraction.

It's been a while

I didn't realize it's been so long since I posted.

Things are going pretty well for me overall. The family is doing well, the job is doing well, the system is working well together, and then a dentist and an impatient husband come along and screw it up.

And the broken part of me thinks, "It's always men isn't it."

I know this isn't true as I have women in my life who have caused trial and turmoil as well, but this time it was men.

My husband wants me to go to his dentist because he is cheaper. I've fought him on this for years as I love my woman dentist, but I finally caved and went. I had anxiety, but I decided to be brave and tough it out. The dentist was nice and kind, but having him fill two small cavities was worse than a root canal at my other dentist. He put a medication on my gums before he gave me the shot - left it on too long and it burned and blistered my gums, so the next day he gave me another medication to combat the pain and swelling of that problem. He also took a cell phone call while he continued to work on my teeth and at one point worked without a glove. Yuck.

I was stressed and angry and needless to say, triggered by the whole experience. Dental work is extremely intimate - not in a sexual way - but you have to trust your dentist - they have complete control over your mouth while you are in that chair.

When I told my husband I going back to my old dentist he was mad. He complained about the added cost. I brought up abuse issues and he gave me a look of scorn - a smirk. It shut me down and made me so angry. I've barely spoken to him for the last two days. I've slept in the other room. In the words of Buttercup from The Princess Bride, "You mock my pain."

I know that my husband is the type of person to say, "Move on; get over it," but it hurt, a lot, to see that look - that look that makes me feel so broken. Yes, I know my abuse happened decades ago, but there are times when it is right there at the surface along with all the feelings I had as a child.

I know I should be more patient with him, but damn it, I told him what he was getting into when he married me. Now that isn't really a fair way for me to feel because half the time I am unsure of what is going on inside my head, so it isn't fair for me to expect him to understand it. But damn-it, I need to trust him and right now I don't.

He spent today being really nice to me. I will sleep in our bed tonight, but only because our little boy is sick and the spare room is too far from my child. He may feel he is forgiven, but he hasn't said, "I'm sorry," and I need to hear it. But regardless of how I feel toward the temporarily senseless man in my life, I will be there for my child.

Maybe I'll send my husband an email as he isn't the easiest person to talk to - let him know he isn't off the hook, and I am still going back to my old dentist who I trust.

Going Inside

There are times in the life of a person with DID (at least with myself), that I feel myself longing to go inside and hide under the covers. I get more quiet, more reflective, or sometimes not reflective, just numb.

I am having one of those times when life changes and life worries get a bit too much. I hope my loved ones don't take it personally when I disappear for a bit. I'll be back when I feel stronger and more capable of facing life.

Roar!

I'm not a huge Katy Perry fan, but I love her song "Roar". I think this song applies to  survivors of any kind of abuse.

The ability to roar or speak out about our abuse and against our abusers is empowering.

To anyone out there who is feeling powerless, listen to this song, take the words to heart, and ROAR!

Katy Perry's Roar


Lyrics:

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice (Not that abuse victims ever have a choice)
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

 

Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar!

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!

Read more: Katy Perry - Roar Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Adults only behind the wheel

It rained today, and the weather is getting cold - normal for this time of year. I drove to pick up our Chinese takeout. All perfectly normal things until a little pops out and thinks it would be a good thing to focus on the rain drops running down the windshield.

Do you know how startling it is to be driving, carefully watching the road and all of the sudden instead of eyes focused on the road many feet in front of you, all you see is the close up of raindrops?

Needless to say, the little got a harsh talking to, so much so that her stomach hurt, but that cannot happen, not when I'm driving.

Next time it rains, stop your car and check out what you see when you are focused on the road and when focused on raindrops.

There is a time and a place for raindrop races.