It's been a while

I didn't realize it's been so long since I posted.

Things are going pretty well for me overall. The family is doing well, the job is doing well, the system is working well together, and then a dentist and an impatient husband come along and screw it up.

And the broken part of me thinks, "It's always men isn't it."

I know this isn't true as I have women in my life who have caused trial and turmoil as well, but this time it was men.

My husband wants me to go to his dentist because he is cheaper. I've fought him on this for years as I love my woman dentist, but I finally caved and went. I had anxiety, but I decided to be brave and tough it out. The dentist was nice and kind, but having him fill two small cavities was worse than a root canal at my other dentist. He put a medication on my gums before he gave me the shot - left it on too long and it burned and blistered my gums, so the next day he gave me another medication to combat the pain and swelling of that problem. He also took a cell phone call while he continued to work on my teeth and at one point worked without a glove. Yuck.

I was stressed and angry and needless to say, triggered by the whole experience. Dental work is extremely intimate - not in a sexual way - but you have to trust your dentist - they have complete control over your mouth while you are in that chair.

When I told my husband I going back to my old dentist he was mad. He complained about the added cost. I brought up abuse issues and he gave me a look of scorn - a smirk. It shut me down and made me so angry. I've barely spoken to him for the last two days. I've slept in the other room. In the words of Buttercup from The Princess Bride, "You mock my pain."

I know that my husband is the type of person to say, "Move on; get over it," but it hurt, a lot, to see that look - that look that makes me feel so broken. Yes, I know my abuse happened decades ago, but there are times when it is right there at the surface along with all the feelings I had as a child.

I know I should be more patient with him, but damn it, I told him what he was getting into when he married me. Now that isn't really a fair way for me to feel because half the time I am unsure of what is going on inside my head, so it isn't fair for me to expect him to understand it. But damn-it, I need to trust him and right now I don't.

He spent today being really nice to me. I will sleep in our bed tonight, but only because our little boy is sick and the spare room is too far from my child. He may feel he is forgiven, but he hasn't said, "I'm sorry," and I need to hear it. But regardless of how I feel toward the temporarily senseless man in my life, I will be there for my child.

Maybe I'll send my husband an email as he isn't the easiest person to talk to - let him know he isn't off the hook, and I am still going back to my old dentist who I trust.