My life of late has been busy, and hectic, and stressful, and good.
I have some new things coming up - some good, some will tax my system, but I know how to eliminate the things that aren't helpful when possible.
Being from a large family has advantages and stressors, so I am evaluating what will need to be cut because I can't cut any of the people out of my life which means the job may have to go. This is hard because I've enjoyed my job a great deal, but working in a classroom with PTSD is incredibly difficult at times - even more so than working with DID.
All is well with the husband and the dentist. Yes, I went back to the good dentist and my husband is not giving me any grief about it. He is a good man - just hard to communicate with at times. He really has no background experiences to help him deal with a person who carries the amount of baggage I carry. He was raised by two good parents in a stable, loving home. However, him being as calm and as safe as he is has allowed me to do a great deal of healing.
I want to come out to the world at some point although I know that time is not yet. I want to somehow make it easier for the world to accept those of us with more than one in our brains without them feeling we are a danger to others or a burden to shoulder. I want people to see the value, creativity, and super powers of a person with a shattered mind.
I also want people to understand why sometimes I am a little (or as the case may be, a lot) off during some of our interactions.
In the words of Goo-goo Dolls' "Iris" (what a strange band name)
"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
Coming out is scary because people judge. They determine you are no longer safe. They think you are what Hollywood says DID is, and they forget all the good you've ever done and see someone broken. So, I want people to know who I am, and yet, I am very protective of that information. Most of the people in my life have no idea of who I am or that I write a blog or that I harbor 12 others inside my mind. My wish is that some day I will feel safe enough to come out to the world without feeling like a circus attraction.
Story Time – Part Two
7 years ago
4 comments:
Glad to see you posting again! I hope if you are forced to quit teaching that maybe you can still take up a less stressful job (or volunteer) as a tutor or counselor. Then you could have the rewarding experience of working with kids (possibly one on one), without the pressure of cow-towwing to all the politics of public education.
I also hope that when the day comes that you are ready to come out to the world about having DID, that you will publish a series of memoirs in the style of your blog, complete with recipes and gardening tips and photography. I would buy them all and come to your book signing. :-)
Thank you Maeve. I may have to do that.
I am so thankful for what you write. You remind me of one who was very special to me and still lies close to my heart, even though i do not know where on this earth she wanders, if she experiences the joy she deserves or if darkness might enfold her.
She is a young woman with D.I.D and has a story in many ways similar to yours. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and her intellect is so advanced and well developed, I am sure she could write Ph.d's in her spare time just for the fun of it. She is in truth joyous, wondrous and ever-inspiring.
When we were together, I would often speak as if I were wise and highly intelligent (as I liked to view myself) and her answers would always dumbfound me. In her presence I knew I was not highly intelligent nor wise... I was simply loved. I loved that about her. She would make me feel loved even when I didn't deserve it.
I see this more clearly now.
She taught me so much about D.I.D and made me acutely aware of both the endless darkness and horror that it often springs out of, but also the amazing and awe-inspiring beauty and mysteries of the alters and of those who carry them.
A personality of infinite complexities, split into beautiful fragments, making the mystery even more mysterious.
Having the privilege of being a part of her process and experiencing what i was allowed to experience has meant the world to me, and your writing makes me remember her and helps me when I miss her the most.
Thank you.
Michael from Norway.
Michael from Norway,
Your words are beautiful. Thank you for sharing them with me.
Sunshine
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