How DID Affects My Life

I received an email message from a reader of my blog. I will try to answer some of his questions. 

For my writing class, I am writing a research paper about the personal effects of DID, as very few people even think such a disorder, using an incorrect word from the acronym, exists. I would really appreciate it if you could, along with your name so I can give you credit, send me some of your most important experiences that have affected your personal life. I plan on reading some entries from your blog, along with other blogs, so if you can just tell me the really important personal effects, like effects on a job or relationships, and I can pick out the minor effects, it would be greatly appreciated. If you would not like to e-mail me anything, that is fine. It is also fine if you give me a fake name, but I would prefer, if you chose to do this, to at least tell me that you are using an alias.

Thanks,

Rob Maxfield

Hi Rob,

Thanks for commenting on my blog. At this time, I am not comfortable attaching my name to my blog because as you said in your message, “very few people even think this disorder even exists.” Between Hollywood’s portrayal of DID and society’s stereotypes of DID, most people would be very uncomfortable knowing that their child’s teacher has DID.

DID affected my life before I even knew I had it. I thought everyone had conversations going on in their head. I thought I struggled to remember people – that I had a bad memory. I thought others also had to leave work when a huge trigger popped up, and I was thankful for a flexible job that allowed that when my system was in crisis. Thankfully at this time, my system is functioning well because the job I have now is not flexible at all.

When meeting people or going to a new place for the first time, I am very shy because until my alter “no one” knows who and what the system will be experiencing, everyone else stays inside. No one doesn’t often feel emotion and can analyze a situation better than any other part.  I have heard that I am stuck up, or that I think I am better than everyone else. I have been told by friends and co-workers that I am completely different than they first thought. Of course the person they know is the alter who wants to know them. Different people bring out different alters, so who one friend may know is not always the same as the alter another friend may know.

Having DID meant being afraid that the person I wanted to marry would run away when I told him about all my baggage. I was lucky to find someone who loved me anyway. Of course when we married neither of us knew that I had DID. I had suspicions for years, but what I experienced was not like what I had seen in the movies, so I set those worries aside. I was lucky to marry someone who said after my diagnosis, “It doesn’t matter; I love all of you.”

Having DID means not recognizing people I should recognize (like my mother and sister). It means play acting until the stranger I should know gives enough information (clues) to trigger the correct alter to come forward and take over.

DID means feeling completely out of control when I was first diagnosed, to feeling like I have a super power now that I have learned to deal with everything. It also means making adjustments and meeting more parts than I thought I had at first. It means learning to love and appreciate all the alters and their contributions to the wellness of the system – even those who are hard to love. They all have a purpose – it just has to be figured out.

Having DID means coming to grips with the abuse that landed me in this spot. It means mourning a person who can never exist because of the horror another person planted in my life. It means seeking and finding forgiveness and letting go of the rage that I felt toward that person. It means comforting little alters who still get scared when situations trigger those old memories or sending them to their safe place when I fight adult battles.

DID changes everything and affects every single part of my life. But I am okay; I function quite well, and I have a beautiful life. I am grateful for my family and friends who know about my diagnosis and love and support me anyway.

Thank you for your questions,
Sunshine