Morningside

I found a Neil Diamond CD at a yard sale a few weeks ago - double set - for only 50 cents. One of the songs on the CD made me kind of sad. It is called Morningside. It is a song he wrote after his grandparents died - alone.

Lyrics: The words in red are my thoughts.
Written by: Neil Diamond

Morningside
The old man died
And no one cried
They simply turned away
I know this is what will happen when my father dies, and while I am not sad that he will die, I do think it is sad for anyone to die alone - even if that is what they have earned by how they have treated those around them.

And when he died
He left a table made of nails and pride
And with his hands he carved these words inside
"for my children"
My father has filled our lives with nails of one type or another - they symbolize all the pain he has inflicted on his children. He is proud, too proud to admit he has done anything wrong. Everything is always someone else's fault. And yet, I think of the things he built with his hands: a desk, a dollhouse, planes (that terrorized his little girls), and all the other things he repaired. The man can fix anything because he is brilliant.

Morning light
Morning bright
I spent the night
With dreams that make you weep
Morning time
Wash away the sadness from these eyes of mine
For I recall the words the old man signed
"for my children"
The dreams of those of us who carry the burden of abuse, would truly make you weep. They are dreams that sometimes make us feel like we are coming up for air when we awake shaking and sweating. I am thankful that I haven't had a truly bad dream for quite a while. It was nice when I could confront my father in my dreams and tell him that he could no longer hurt me. I held him by the throat and said, "No, you cannot call me because you don't respect boundaries!"

I am always thankful when the morning is able to dispell the hurt and depression of the day or sometimes days and weeks of sorrow that have come before it.

In times past, Dad was proud of my accomplishments, but after I testified against him, he no longer considered me his daughter. I am okay with that because it means the phone calls laden with guilt also stopped. He could no longer attempt to manipulate me.

And the legs were shaped with his hands
And the top made of oaken wood
And the children sat around this table
Touched with their laughter
Ah, and that was good
By his hand and his choices, he created the pain that all of his children carry, yet we are strong, and let me tell you, we laugh. The bond that was created by his abuse is strong. We (my sisters and I) survived a path that made us who we are, and while sometimes the pain overwhelms us, our love and connection is amazing. We survived and thrived!

Morningside
An old man died
And no one cried
He surely died alone
And truth is sad
For not a child would claim the gift he had
The words he carved became his epitaph
"for my children"
My father's children have chosen to turn away from the gift he gave because his gift was not good. We have chosen to be good parents, productive members of society, and loving people. We found our own gift because his gift would have doomed us.

I still wish I could have a good father instead of a rabid father. At times, my heart aches for the little boy my grandmother so loved. I wish he could have made choices that would have helped us all. However, I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I have amazing siblings that have seen me though so much. I also have my own children and husband who enrich my life, so I choose the gifts of love they bring to my life and gladly accept them all.