I watched a show today about Esther Reed, a woman who spent ten years living under the identities of other people. One of her motivations was the desire to get away from the pain of her own life. She simply became someone else.
I understand this motivation. At times, I too think about leaving my life behind and starting over somewhere else. Somewhere far away – somewhere no one knows me. Of course I don’t think about the logistics of doing such a thing beyond driving until the car runs out of gas because it is something I would never do. I just have the desire to leave the painful things in my memory behind. Unfortunately, our memories go with us, so running away from the pain would only mean I leave behind all the people in my life who I love.
What would be even better than running away and starting over, would be if our minds were more like computers. I could just delete the memories I no longer wish to remember.
Since I can’t delete memories or run away from them, I will just entertain the fantasy of being someone entirely different – a new face in a new town. I mentally reinvent a new story, and then when the logistics of escaping my life (things like needing a driver’s license, a social security card, and a birth certificate) surface, I’ll snap out of it and carry on with the life I truly love – my life and my wonderful children, husband, family, and friends.
Story Time – Part Two
7 years ago

7 comments:
I feel you. I carry the fantasy of leading a new life as a kind of flame to keep me going.
Bless you.
I know you love your family very much. And I'm
happy for you that you have such a dear, close
knit suport group.
I had to physically escape. Rather God rescued me.
I have no desire to live where there are triggers
all around me. Like you said, unfortunately, I can not delete the memories. God has made
them manageable. And I don't HAVE to interact
with anyone I choose not to. I just screen my calls.
hahahaha No one from the past calls me except
my sister and my aunt. And even then I screen
them out at times of my physical weakness.
I miss you.
hug you big,
**
I have entertained that fantasy a few times too. The idea of being able to start over where know one knows can be refreshing, but like you all I have to think about is my friends and my family and realise that is something I could never do to them, nor would I ever want to leave them behind.
I think little fantasies are healthy from time to time, just as long as we come back to reality.
I hope you are well, take gentle care of you
Love you Mom.
Rose
I've finally gotten to a place in my life where things that happened to me in the past (different than yours, but still painful)I can now look at them as if I am sharing someone ele's memories. Because I was such a different person then, I feel as if I have the memories of someone else. It helps to aleviate some of the pain and guilt because it no longer feels like it was me that experienced it. Does that make sense?
I too felt like running away, starting over, where there would be no judgement in people's eyes. But then the people I loved the most weren't the one's judging me, they were the ones holding me up.
I'm glad you have that support as well.
Thanks all for the comments.
Julia,
It makes perfect sense.
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