Everything Affects Everything

I recently read the novel, Thirteen Reasons Why, by Jay Asher. The main reason I read it is because Sherman Alexie, one of my favorite authors, gave it a good review. The story is about a teen girl who commits suicide. She records the reasons she decided to kill herself and then mails the tapes to the people she felt were connected to her decision. My experience with suicide was different than how this novel describes it. When I stood on the edge of the edge of the cliff that day, I didn’t think about all the people who had wronged me. I thought about going home to God. I thought about ending the intense emotional pain I felt, but I didn’t create a laundry list of those in my life who were mean or hurtful. My decision was not about them – it was about me wanting to end my pain.


Even though my thought process was different than what is portrayed in this novel, I love how thought provoking and compelling the story is. This story shows the impact we have on others, and I do believe that we affect the lives of those around us in ways we may not even realize. Students have written me notes telling me how I have changed their lives when I had not even realized that what I said made a difference to them. Hopefully when I’ve been in the classroom, I haven’t made any students feel badly about themselves. If I have it was not my intent, but this novel shows how even when we don’t intend to hurt someone we often still do hurt them.

Asher writes, (this is the dead girl speaking) “Yes, there are some major gaps in my story. Some parts I just couldn’t figure out how to tell. Or couldn’t bring myself to say out loud. Events I haven’t come to grips with . . . that I’ll never come to grips with. And if I never have to say them out loud, then I never have to think them all the way through” (page 201).

As a person with DID, I feel this way so much of the time. I can’t really tell my story in chronological order because my mind doesn’t work that way. I also sense parts (alters) who are still struggling with their knowledge and memories. I can feel that silent scream that is caught in my chest, and I feel other alters trying to silence that scream because they too are afraid of that knowledge.

Asher continues, “You don’t know what went on in the rest of my life. At home. Even at school. You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything . . . affects everything” (pages 201-202).

It is easy to make a snap judgment of anther person without knowing their whole story. I am guilty of this at times. This quote makes me want to be a better person; to seek first for understanding, show kindness, and to try to bring goodness into the lives of others instead of dealing with them in frustration. I tell my students that it doesn’t cost anything to be kind. Yes, I understand that we need to set boundaries and keep unsafe and toxic people out of our lives, or at times we have to be assertive in order to keep from being hurt, but we don’t have to be unnecessarily unkind when we do so.

Jay Asher's quotes were used with his permission. (Thank you!) He very kindly answered my e-mail the same day I sent it to him and said many people miss the first quote but often quote the second one. The first quote really speaks to my heart. He must have been channeling a multiple or an adult survivor of childhood abuse when he wrote that. :)

Tomorrow, if I am able, I will try to share the story of the chocolate cake and show you just how much one event can impact the lives of those who witness it. Everything affects everything.