When my graduation box was delivered in parts – first the announcements, then the cap, gown, and tassel, and finally the Summa Cum Laude medal, I felt excited and scared. I was unsure how many people would be there. I knew there would be a lot. When the day of the graduation came, I couldn’t decide what to wear. I tried on eight different combinations of clothing before settling on one. The stress was causing some switching. That morning until I arrived at the event center, no-one was out. No-one is an alter that numbs the system. She creates an emotional void so that I don’t get too stressed, tired, or emotional.
Many years ago when one of my best friends from the cult killed herself, no-one kept me from feeling the emotional effect of my loss. I didn’t cry. I felt anger at the funeral when the cult leaders made her funeral into an object lesson on what happens to those who leave the cult, but I didn’t cry. My boyfriend at the time dumped me because he said, “It isn’t normal to not cry. Why don’t you cry?” I informed him that I cry on my own time. I didn’t realize at the time what was happening.
When we arrived at the event center, I could feel Laura and Cat – those two are usually close by. At one point when some graduates in front of me were talking and laughing so loudly that I couldn’t concentrate on the speaker, Trina come out and shushed them. I was glad for that because Laura doesn’t talk. All through the graduation, I kept looking at the card I would give to the announcer when I crossed the platform. It had my name with both my maiden and married name on it. It had my degree and my major. Every time I read it, I felt proud of what we – as a group – had accomplished.
Soon the speakers were done and they began reading names. I followed a line of graduates to the podium. When I saw the red carpet leading up and then down a ramp, I said a small prayer that I wouldn’t stumble in my high heels and completely embarrass myself on the big screen TV that was positioned for all in the arena to see. As I walked up the red carpeted ramp, I thought of Grandma. I hoped she was there watching me. I missed her so much. I thought of the friends who had acted as catalysts by helping me find enough self confidence and courage to go back to school as an adult with only a 10th grade education. I had to finish high school and then college – first as a woman in a failing marriage with a husband who did not want her to go to school, then as a single mother taking classes as she could fit them into her life, and then finally as a woman in the crisis of dealing with the emergence of alters. Fortunately at this point in my life, I was blessed with a supportive husband, amazing adult children, a loving young child, a supportive extended family, and wonderfully encouraging friends. They say alters emerge to the host when they feel safe; I am thankful to be in a safe place.
I am indeed blessed. It took me forever because of times when I could not go to school or had to take a reduced school load because of young children, stress, work, or finances, but here I was walking across that red carpet, then shaking the hand of the Dean as he handed me an empty diploma cover, pausing at the end while my daughter snapped my pictures, and smiling not only on the outside, but clear to the inside – in every part of me. We did it!
