The Worst Month Ever

This last month has been the worst month ever. We have had (in different members of my extended family of several siblings, nieces, and nephews) a drug intervention, a broken jaw, a crumbing marriage, sepsis, flesh eating bacteria - along with three surgeries to try to heal that bacteria, and the very worst of all - a suicide.

I've written about suicide before wrong solution to a temporary problem. I understand from my own thoughts of suicide why it happens, but I am really struggling with the aftermath of losing a close family member to depression.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everytime my mom calls, I hold my breath afraid she will tell me more bad news. I check on my son during the middle of the night to make sure he is still breathing. I worry constantly about my husband and children - scared something else bad will happen.

I hate depression and what it does to people. Depression is a liar - it makes you believe that there is no hope, but the truth is that if you kill yourself - there really is NO hope. Where there is life there is hope, but for my niece, there is nothing. No hope, no joy, no life, and many, many, many people in mourning who are struggling with depression because we miss her, and we all feel like we failed her.

I know that no matter how badly I'm feeling about her death, my sister is feeling even worse. I was her aunt not her mom, but it still aches  - so - damn - bad.