Nightmare

For the first time in a long time, I had a nightmare about my dad where he was in control. I used to have dreams all the time where he was in control, but for the last several years, I have been in control in those dreams. He says, "I want to call you."
I shove him up against the wall by the throat and say, "You can't call me because you don't know how to respect boundaries." He becomes small and the dream ends.

A couple of nights ago, I dreamed I was walking with my older sister, and Dad was walking the other direction and passed us on the sidewalk. He was really tall - he seemed like he was seven feet tall. Ann turned and watched him walk away with sadness in her eyes. I said, "Just let him go. Don't let him know you care." But she called to him. As she called to him, he turned around and punched her in the face - right in the nose (he did this in real life many, many years ago).

I was so mad; I grabbed him and punched him back, but my punch had no effect on him. He grabbed me and punched me, and I woke up. I wondered why he had power again in my dreams.

This dream has made me think about where I am in my life. Granted, I do have a lot going on right now. I have a child who is having some health issues; I am switching to a new grade next year; we are doing some remodeling on our house, and life in general is busy, but I didn't feel like I was out of control (which means not in control in my life - not that I have gone around the bend or anything like that).

Although sometimes a dream is just a dream, sometimes they can show me where I need to put focus in my awake life. I know that meeting all the new doctors and workmen takes a toll on me - especially those who wear beards. I mean really - shave for Heaven's sake! I just try to avert my eyes in order to get business done, but I struggle, and I feel yucky inside. The men with beards must think there is something quite wrong with the woman who won't look them in the face, but looking at a beard makes me want to retch.

I will be glad when the projects are done, and I can stop meeting so many new people. To those of you who love to meet new people, I commend you and wish I had that ability. I get so stressed wondering if the new people will trigger me in some way. I always have a prayer that they will be clean shaven, but that doesn't always work.

I just hope the next dream about dad has me back in control and him leaving me the hell alone.