Response to Comments

Two visitors have posted comments and questions that I want to respond to tonight. I figure since I remain unable to talk about my dad, this is a good time to do this.
One reader comments:
“I struggle with being so interested in a story that has ultimately been one of sadness and hurt in your family, and to you.”

I don’t want anyone to struggle or feel guilty because they find my story interesting. The reason I say this is because for so many years, I was unable to break my silence – even to myself – about the truth of what happened in our home. When you read and comment on my story, it gives me a voice – the ability to speak out and say, “What happened to me was wrong. I didn’t have a voice as a child, but I have one now. I am no longer powerless.” We as a society can not turn away from things that cause hurt and sadness. To do so removes the voice of many who need to share their stories in order to reach further healing. This also gives me the opportunity to validate that same pain in others – to say to them, “You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. You matter.”

To those reading my story who have not felt the pain of being abused – temper your interest with a renewed determination to be aware. Be aware of those around you who may not have the ability to speak out or to defend themselves. If you witness the abuse of another, get involved, and please report it. I can not tell you what a difference it could have made in my life if even one person had reported what they saw. I know that sometimes the system (police, social workers) drops the ball, but it is still important to do what we can to protect the powerless. If you have a loved one who was abused, allow them to heal at their pace. Be kind and supportive to them. Let them feel the love you have for them. Listen to them and respect their right to feel how ever they feel.

Statistics show that one of every three girls will be abused in their lifetime and one of every four boys will be abused in their lifetime. Chances are huge that someone you know is a survivor of childhood abuse. They may not have developed D.I.D as a result, but if this blog helps us all to be a little less judgmental and show more love and kindness to those we come in contact with, then sharing my story is worth every minute I spend here. We have no idea what sorrows people have been through. We may not understand why sneaking up behind someone and saying “boo” may be a trigger. (I have a story about that). We may think someone is over-reacting, but unless we have walked in their shoes we simply can not understand.

The other reason I want to share my story is to help create a society where those who live with D.I.D do not have to hide their diagnosis. If my only diagnosis was PTSD, I could sign my name to this blog, but because of the stigma of D.I.D, I can not claim my own blog. I want everyone to understand that many successful people: doctors, lawyers, teachers, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, business people, business owners, nurses, etc., live with this diagnosis. We are not a danger to society (generally speaking). You may have a coworker or neighbor that has D.I.D and they probably appear completely normal. My coworkers would be shocked to learn I have D.I.D. because I am a good employee. My system works hard to make sure that I appear normal.

One reader commented in regards to my old journal entry:
“I'm just curious as to how this makes you feel reading it now that you have a better understanding.”

I have mixed feelings about it. When I wrote this entry, I was under the care of a therapist. I had told the therapist about losing time, yet the therapist did not diagnose me with D.I.D. When I read the entry with 20/20 hindsight, it is easy to see that I should have been diagnosed with D.I.D. That being said, I also recognize that during that time, I was in an extremely fragile emotional state. A D.I.D. diagnosis on top of dealing with the intense flashbacks of PTSD may have been enough to send me over the edge. I thought about suicide during that time. My plan was to wait until my children were adults and then end it. The emotional trauma of the flashbacks was nearly too much to bear. I recognize that God had a plan for me. When I was diagnosed with D.I.D, I was in the best place possible. I have a supportive husband who loves all of me without question. I have the most amazing and supportive adult children a person could have. I haven’t had a flashback for a long time. I think God knew that I needed a completely unwavering support system in place before I dealt with this big scary diagnosis. I’ve heard it said that alters need to feel safe to make themselves known to the host. My family provided that safe place for me to continue my healing journey.

I cried when I read that journal entry because I could again feel my sadness and confusion, but in hindsight I understand why I was so confused about who I was. Again, I need to trust the process, and allow my system the time it needs to heal. Patience is a virtue when dealing with D.I.D.

To my child who posted, “I love you too.” To my other children who read this blog, “I love you all.”

My Heart is Full

I may not have been blessed with parents who protected me, but God sent me something even better – children who not only keep me grounded – but who do all they can to protect me. My children know I have a blog and they read it. One of my children called me tonight; she was worried about what would happen if someone figured out this blog belongs to me – like the six degrees of separation theory. I think she is more worried than I am, and it feels so good to have my child want to keep me safe. I am so thankful for my children and the love and joy they bring into my life.

My daughter and I talked about society’s attitudes toward mental illnesses and our hope that someday, people will be more accepting towards those of us who struggle with minds that are not “normal” (whatever that is). I said, “I’m sad that DID is considered a mental illness because I don’t feel mentally ill; in fact, I sometimes feel like I have super powers.” I should probably clarify that for those of you who don’t know me.

When I first suspected that something was not “normal” with my mind, I did feel crazy and broken and incredibly confused, but since I’ve learned more about how my mind works – thanks to therapy, research, a wonderful website for those who have DID, and a book called I am More Than One by Jane Wegscheider Hyman. If you have DID, I recommend this book. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but it has helped me understand the brain processes of DID. Now that my alters are communicating with each other, often more than one is out at once. It is a blessing to be fed several points of view before making a decision. Sometimes an alter will notice something that the person out didn’t see and comment internally on it which helps us see things that might have been missed. So DID can feel like having more than one brain going. I never have to be lonely either. :)

Before I understood that brain process, I felt crazy – like my soul had been split into pieces or that I was possessed by other spirits or beings because they felt so different from me. Now that I understand that they are another part of my brain – they still feel different, but I know they were all created to keep me safe. They protect me the same way my 3D kids protect me.

About a year ago, I had a huge awakening. I had spent a month constantly worrying about who was forward (which alter was out) so much so that I couldn’t enjoy life because of the worry that if the wrong alter was out, I could appear crazy to the rest of the world. I went for a walk, enjoyed nature and the stirrings of spring, and watched the birds and ducks. The walk calmed me, and I thought about how all the parts of me were like my children. They were all created by me. Their roles are to protect me and to make me appear normal to the world. I thought about them in relationship to my 3D children. My 3D children were each created with love, and my end goal for them was that they become positive members of society – essentially the same goal as for my alters. I thought of each of my children and their love for me; each of them would defend me and do all they could to protect me. They represent me and the teachings of our home well. They are loving and compassionate people. I thought further that if I could trust my 3D children who are separate individuals to protect me, shouldn’t I be able to trust my alters, who are parts of me, to keep me safe? Instead of focusing so much energy on figuring out who is out, I need to allow whoever is out to use that energy to represent me to the best of their ability. I need to allow them to do the job they were created to do. As my cyber DID friends tell me, “Trust the process.” I am blessed to have supportive people in my life, in my mind, and online. You all fill my heart.