Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Inside Out

My daughter went to see Inside Out and told me she thought of me while she watched it, so I went to see it, and had to process it for a few days before I could write about it.

The show is good:entertaining, fun characters, the parents are both living, the conflict of moving is one that many kids can relate to, good art, etc.

After the movie, one of the kids said, "We have movies showing us how cats feel, how cars feel, how dragons feel, and now a movie that shows us that our feelings have feelings."

And I thought, "And you think you are confused."

This movie made me sad because where Riley's key memories are: Family, Honesty, Goofy land, Imagination land, and Hockeyville, mine would look incredibly different. I would have: Child traded for drugs, Battering land, Medical Neglect Land, Polygamyville, Starvation Island, Never fit in anywhere, Abandonment, etc. I'm glad she had a good childhood, but in comparison, my childhood was incredibly messed up.

However, I loved Joy, and like Riley's Joy, my Joy is loved by everyone in my system.

The section of the movie where Joy is not at headquarters and the other emotions are trying to do her job happens often in my head. That is usually when no one comes out and all feelings are muted. She is a place holder only. So if you are with me and I seem drugged and emotionless, just know that all my others are in hiding and are inaccessible, and you are seeing no one.

Riley was unaware of the conversations her emotions were having, but now that I am co-conscious, those discussions are all part of my internal dialogue, and I can hear them all the time, so there is a lot going on in my mind - all. the. time. Unless, everyone disappears and then the silence just about kills me because without my others nothing can happen because no one is just a placeholder. She just keeps track of what is happening but she doesn't act on it.

I liked Sadness in Riley's mind. We need sadness. We need all our emotions. When they were down in the abyss with all the forgotten memories and all was dark, I though of Annie, my alter who has repressed memories. She is always surrounded by dark because she isn't allowed to remember her terror. She is shushed before she can share what happened.

Inside Out is a good movie, one worth seeing, but if you are a multiple, it may get things a bit stirred up in your system.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Strong Enough

In honor of all the people who support those of us with DID - especially my husband - here is Sheryl Crow's Strong Enough.

Strong Enough

My husband is a champ who deals will all of me and none of me when no one is out. I wish I could always be Scarlet for him and for me. I think of all my alters, I feel the best when she is out.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Watching from Outside

Lately I feel like I am an observer in my life - disconnected and not participating. I'm not sure where everyone went, but no one is out because all others are staying deeply hidden.

It makes me realize that me - the host of all this - isn't really anyone. No personality at all. I am the empty shell and all the others give me life. Damn, I need them.

I miss feeling connected to people and things.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

United States of Tara

I finally watched United States of Tara, and enjoyed the first season. What you see on the outside of her portrayal of DID is often what is going on inside my head. However, by the end of the third season, I felt betrayed again that Hollywood once again stereotyped DID and made sure the world believed that those of us with DID are a danger to ourselves, to others, and especially to children. They reinforced the myth that a person with DID will always ruin your special occasion and make it about them or that a trigger will derail life in general. Triggers can derail life, but usually not to the extent that they do in Tara's life.

Of course an accurate portrayal of DID would be boring and wouldn't sell anything, but once again those of us with DID must remain in the closet or those we come in contact with wouldn't trust with anything or anyone.

Boo on you Showtime.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Safe Enough for a New Alter

So, I have a new alter. This makes fourteen of us in here. This one came out late at night right before I went to sleep - told me her name, which I forget by the time I woke up.

She is mean and hateful and doesn't like anyone and has a filthy mouth.

She won't tell her name again. She is staying hidden for the most part - which a good thing. I guess my healing is coming along nicely since she felt safe enough to share her venom, However, I liked the idea of thirteen alters as it one of  my favorite numbers. I hope we are done now and that there are no more surprises lying in wait hidden in the depths of my broken mind.

But, on a brighter note, grown-up chose the name of Scarlet - which suits her nicely. It is a strong color and a strong name for someone with a strong and sassy attitude.

Co-consciousness is going well - no lost time and no getting lost while driving. GPS is a wonderful thing.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Coming up for Air

My life of late has been busy, and hectic, and stressful, and good.

I have some new things coming up - some good, some will tax my system, but I know how to eliminate the things that aren't helpful when possible.

Being from a large family has advantages and stressors, so I am evaluating what will need to be cut because I can't cut any of the people out of my life which means the job may have to go. This is hard because I've enjoyed my job a great deal, but working in a classroom with PTSD is incredibly difficult at times - even more so than working with DID.

All is well with the husband and the dentist. Yes, I went back to the good dentist and my husband is not giving me any grief about it. He is a good man - just hard to communicate with at times. He really has no background experiences to help him deal with a person who carries the amount of baggage I carry. He was raised by two good parents in a stable, loving home. However, him being as calm and as safe as he is has allowed me to do a great deal of healing.

I want to come out to the world at some point although I know that time is not yet. I want to somehow make it easier for the world to accept those of us with more than one in our brains without them feeling we are a danger to others or a burden to shoulder. I want people to see the value, creativity, and super powers of a person with a shattered mind.

I also want people to understand why sometimes I am a little (or as the case may be, a lot) off during some of our interactions.

In the words of  Goo-goo Dolls' "Iris" (what a strange band name)
"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

Coming out is scary because people judge. They determine you are no longer safe. They think you are what Hollywood says DID is, and they forget all the good you've ever done and see someone broken. So, I want people to know who I am, and yet, I am very protective of that information. Most of the people in my life have no idea of who I am or that I write a blog or that I harbor 12 others inside my mind. My wish is that some day I will feel safe enough to come out to the world without feeling like a circus attraction.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

It's been a while

I didn't realize it's been so long since I posted.

Things are going pretty well for me overall. The family is doing well, the job is doing well, the system is working well together, and then a dentist and an impatient husband come along and screw it up.

And the broken part of me thinks, "It's always men isn't it."

I know this isn't true as I have women in my life who have caused trial and turmoil as well, but this time it was men.

My husband wants me to go to his dentist because he is cheaper. I've fought him on this for years as I love my woman dentist, but I finally caved and went. I had anxiety, but I decided to be brave and tough it out. The dentist was nice and kind, but having him fill two small cavities was worse than a root canal at my other dentist. He put a medication on my gums before he gave me the shot - left it on too long and it burned and blistered my gums, so the next day he gave me another medication to combat the pain and swelling of that problem. He also took a cell phone call while he continued to work on my teeth and at one point worked without a glove. Yuck.

I was stressed and angry and needless to say, triggered by the whole experience. Dental work is extremely intimate - not in a sexual way - but you have to trust your dentist - they have complete control over your mouth while you are in that chair.

When I told my husband I going back to my old dentist he was mad. He complained about the added cost. I brought up abuse issues and he gave me a look of scorn - a smirk. It shut me down and made me so angry. I've barely spoken to him for the last two days. I've slept in the other room. In the words of Buttercup from The Princess Bride, "You mock my pain."

I know that my husband is the type of person so say, "Move on; get over it," but it hurt, a lot, to see that look - that look that makes me feel so broken. Yes, I know my abuse happened decades ago, but there are times when it is right there at the surface along with all the feelings I had as a child.

I know I should be more patient with him, but damn it, I told him what he was getting into when he married me. Now that isn't really a fair way for me to feel because half the time I am unsure of what is going on inside my head, so it isn't fair for me to expect him to understand it. But damn-it, I need to trust him and right now I don't.

He spent today being really nice to me. I will sleep in our bed tonight, but only because our little boy is sick and the spare room is too far from my child. He may feel he is forgiven, but he hasn't said, "I'm sorry," and I need to hear it. But regardless of how I feel toward the temporarily senseless man in my life, I will be there for my child.

Maybe I'll send my husband an email as he isn't the easiest person to talk to - let him know he isn't off the hook, and I am still going back to my old dentist who I trust.