Sunday, May 18, 2014

It's been a while


I didn't realize it's been so long since I posted.

Things are going pretty well for me overall. The family is doing well, the job is doing well, the system is working well together, and then a dentist and an impatient husband come along and screw it up.

And the broken part of me thinks, "It's always men isn't it."

I know this isn't true as I have women in my life who have caused trial and turmoil as well, but this time it was men.

My husband wants me to go to his dentist because he is cheaper. I've fought him on this for years as I love my woman dentist, but I finally caved and went. I had anxiety, but I decided to be brave and tough it out. The dentist was nice and kind, but having him fill two small cavities was worse than a root canal at my other dentist. He put a medication on my gums before he gave me the shot - left it on too long and it burned and blistered my gums, so the next day he gave me another medication to combat the pain and swelling of that problem. He also took a cell phone call while he continued to work on my teeth and at one point worked without a glove. Yuck.

I was stressed and angry and needless to say, triggered by the whole experience. Dental work is extremely intimate - not in a sexual way - but you have to trust your dentist - they have complete control over your mouth while you are in that chair.

When I told my husband I going back to my old dentist he was mad. He complained about the added cost. I brought up abuse issues and he gave me a look of scorn - a smirk. It shut me down and made me so angry. I've barely spoken to him for the last two days. I've slept in the other room. In the words of Buttercup from The Princess Bride, "You mock my pain."

I know that my husband is the type of person so say, "Move on; get over it," but it hurt, a lot, to see that look - that look that makes me feel so broken. Yes, I know my abuse happened decades ago, but there are times when it is right there at the surface along with all the feelings I had as a child.

I know I should be more patient with him, but damn it, I told him what he was getting into when he married me. Now that isn't really a fair way for me to feel because half the time I am unsure of what is going on inside my head, so it isn't fair for me to expect him to understand it. But damn-it, I need to trust him and right now I don't.

He spent today being really nice to me. I will sleep in our bed tonight, but only because our little boy is sick and the spare room is too far from my child. He may feel he is forgiven, but he hasn't said, "I'm sorry," and I need to hear it. But regardless of how I feel toward the temporarily senseless man in my life, I will be there for my child.

Maybe I'll send my husband an email as he isn't the easiest person to talk to - let him know he isn't off the hook, and I am still going back to my old dentist who I trust.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Going Inside

There are times in the life of a person with DID (at least with myself), that I feel myself longing to go inside and hide under the covers. I get more quiet, more reflective, or sometimes not reflective, just numb.

I am having one of those times when life changes and life worries get a bit too much. I hope my loved ones don't take it personally when I disappear for a bit. I'll be back when I feel stronger and more capable of facing life.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Roar!

I'm not a huge Katy Perry fan, but I love her song "Roar". I think this song applies to  survivors of any kind of abuse.

The ability to roar or speak out about our abuse and against our abusers is empowering.

To anyone out there who is feeling powerless, listen to this song, take the words to heart, and ROAR!

Katy Perry's Roar


Lyrics:

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice (Not that abuse victims ever have a choice)
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
 
Now I'm floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero
You held me down, but I got up (hey!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready 'cause I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar!
I got the eye of the tiger, the fire
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You're gonna hear me roar!


Read more: Katy Perry - Roar Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Adults only behind the wheel

It rained today, and the weather is getting cold - normal for this time of year. I drove to pick up our Chinese takeout. All perfectly normal things until a little pops out and thinks it would be a good thing to focus on the rain drops running down the windshield.

Do you know how startling it is to be driving, carefully watching the road and all of the sudden instead of eyes focused on the road many feet in front of you, all you see is the close up of raindrops?

Needless to say, the little got a harsh talking to, so much so that her stomach hurt, but that cannot happen, not when I'm driving.

Next time it rains, stop your car and check out what you see when you are focused on the road and when focused on raindrops.

There is a time and a place for raindrop races.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Thank you Elder Ballard

Elder Ballard is known for giving talks that soothe the soul and calm the heart. He outdid himself this time giving a talk about depression. You can see his entire talk here: Thank you Elder Ballard

He starts out by mentioning several mental illnesses by name and then says, "However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

If only, if only that was the case in our world. If only I was comfortable talking about my mental illness. If only I didn't have to worry about losing my job because of common misconceptions about my condition. If only.

But, I'm thankful that one man gets it - one man who many people admire and respect. Maybe the tide will turn one day and those of use who have mental illnesses will be allowed to share more and have people see that we can be productive members of society.

I heard this song again today, "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls and it tells it like it is for those of us who have to hide our truth: Link to video

Lyrics:
"Iris"
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
 
It is hard to not have people really know me. I want the people I love to know me - all of me - all thirteen of me or at least those of me who are ready to be known, but that is not my reality. I hope when I die and they give my eulogy that my children will share all of me - that they will tell those I love who I really was. I'll be dead, so I won't care if people judge me harshly for being fractured. I'm sure some will say, "So that is why she was so weird," but some will understand and love me anyway.
 
Elder Holland closed his talk with, "I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”"

This quote both scares and delights me. The thought of not having parts is scary because it is all I know, but the thought of all those parts being put back together and working as one - the one I might have been had monsters not been a part of my childhood - delights my soul. I know that what he says is true and being healed will be okay - a good thing.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The Three Faces of Eve

I watched The Three Faces of Eve a while ago. I haven't read the book, but I wanted to see how Hollywood portrayed DID. I thought Joanne Woodward did a fine job of showing switching, but not having read the book, which is supposed to be a true story account of a woman with DID, I'm not really sure how well they portrayed her.

From what I've read about the real live Eve, the reason for her developing DID was not what was shown in the film. She had 22 to 26 personalities, not 3. I thought the cure for Eve in the film was very unbelievable. When she knew what caused her DID in the film, the two other personalities went away and a new "healthier" personality stayed to live her life.

I found the ending insulting to those of us with DID. I mean, why can't I just make a new mentally healthy personality to take over for all the unhealthy personalities? I know what happened to me - maybe not everything, but what is so wrong with me that I can't solve my problem like Woodward did in her portrayal of Eve? I was also bothered by the scene where Eve Black tries to kill Eve White's child. It just didn't fit any of her personalities to try to kill a child.

I liked Woodward's portrayal of Eve Black and kind of know how that feels. Eve Black did not like Eve White's husband. I have a couple of alters who have no interest at all in my husband, but they have no interest in any man. I also have alters who are more fun loving, outgoing, or sexual. I also have alters who are quiet and more timid like Eve White. I remember one time in a therapy session one of my other alters came out; you should have seen the look of shock on the therapist's face. I don't know that he really believed until that moment.

Woodward deserved the Oscar she won for her portrayal of Eve White, Eve Black, and Jane, but the playwright got the story wrong - again. I don't think Hollywood will ever get it right. They didn't then and they haven't yet - at least to my knowledge. Life with DID is just not Hollywood enough to make a movie about it.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

When the quiet isn't helpful

There are times in the life of a person with DID when all the others go quiet. That time might be a stressful situation that the system never prepared or created an alter for - something the system could not foresee.

I've gotten used to the noise in my head and find it comforting. But when faced with a new, never before experienced trauma, the silence is deafening and panic sets in.

Anyone else with DID experience this?