Tuesday, September 22, 2015


Recently there's been a feeling of peace in my system. September usually throws me off, and it did for a while, but I've been doing a lot of introspection. The others talking and sharing have really helped me this month.

If you have DID, do you have a month that throws you for a loop? How do you deal with it?

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Soul Mates - is that even possible?

My mom recently told me that my husband was my soulmate, and my response to her statement troubled me.

He is a good husband, and I love him, but soul mate? I'm not sure if it is possible for someone with DID to have a soulmate. He doesn't like to talk about my alters or my weirdness, so how can we be soulmates? A few of my alters don't even like him, so of course he can't be a soulmate.

I though back on relationships I've had, and no, I don't think I ever found a soulmate. I've had good friends, people I love, who are closer to soulmates than my own husband. Past boyfriends could not be all things to all alters, so I didn't leave a soulmate behind.

With DID, the system is about survival. My system does well with my husband - he is liked by most of the system. He is safe and makes us feel secure. He is a good father and provider. He is not my soulmate, but I don't think that is possible in my situation. How does a system with fourteen alters find one person who is everything to all of them? I don't see it happening. Sometimes (often), I think it was very unfair of me to marry and bring him into this chaos.

Fellow DIDers, do you have a soulmate?

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Inside Out

My daughter went to see Inside Out and told me she thought of me while she watched it, so I went to see it, and had to process it for a few days before I could write about it.

The show is good:entertaining, fun characters, the parents are both living, the conflict of moving is one that many kids can relate to, good art, etc.

After the movie, one of the kids said, "We have movies showing us how cats feel, how cars feel, how dragons feel, and now a movie that shows us that our feelings have feelings."

And I thought, "And you think you are confused."

This movie made me sad because where Riley's key memories are: Family, Honesty, Goofy land, Imagination land, and Hockeyville, mine would look incredibly different. I would have: Child traded for drugs, Battering land, Medical Neglect Land, Polygamyville, Starvation Island, Never fit in anywhere, Abandonment, etc. I'm glad she had a good childhood, but in comparison, my childhood was incredibly messed up.

However, I loved Joy, and like Riley's Joy, my Joy is loved by everyone in my system.

The section of the movie where Joy is not at headquarters and the other emotions are trying to do her job happens often in my head. That is usually when no one comes out and all feelings are muted. She is a place holder only. So if you are with me and I seem drugged and emotionless, just know that all my others are in hiding and are inaccessible, and you are seeing no one.

Riley was unaware of the conversations her emotions were having, but now that I am co-conscious, those discussions are all part of my internal dialogue, and I can hear them all the time, so there is a lot going on in my mind - all. the. time. Unless, everyone disappears and then the silence just about kills me because without my others nothing can happen because no one is just a placeholder. She just keeps track of what is happening but she doesn't act on it.

I liked Sadness in Riley's mind. We need sadness. We need all our emotions. When they were down in the abyss with all the forgotten memories and all was dark, I though of Annie, my alter who has repressed memories. She is always surrounded by dark because she isn't allowed to remember her terror. She is shushed before she can share what happened.

Inside Out is a good movie, one worth seeing, but if you are a multiple, it may get things a bit stirred up in your system.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Strong Enough

In honor of all the people who support those of us with DID - especially my husband - here is Sheryl Crow's Strong Enough.

Strong Enough

My husband is a champ who deals will all of me and none of me when no one is out. I wish I could always be Scarlet for him and for me. I think of all my alters, I feel the best when she is out.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Watching from Outside

Lately I feel like I am an observer in my life - disconnected and not participating. I'm not sure where everyone went, but no one is out because all others are staying deeply hidden.

It makes me realize that me - the host of all this - isn't really anyone. No personality at all. I am the empty shell and all the others give me life. Damn, I need them.

I miss feeling connected to people and things.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

United States of Tara

I finally watched United States of Tara, and enjoyed the first season. What you see on the outside of her portrayal of DID is often what is going on inside my head. However, by the end of the third season, I felt betrayed again that Hollywood once again stereotyped DID and made sure the world believed that those of us with DID are a danger to ourselves, to others, and especially to children. They reinforced the myth that a person with DID will always ruin your special occasion and make it about them or that a trigger will derail life in general. Triggers can derail life, but usually not to the extent that they do in Tara's life.

Of course an accurate portrayal of DID would be boring and wouldn't sell anything, but once again those of us with DID must remain in the closet or those we come in contact with wouldn't trust with anything or anyone.

Boo on you Showtime.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Safe Enough for a New Alter

So, I have a new alter. This makes fourteen of us in here. This one came out late at night right before I went to sleep - told me her name, which I forget by the time I woke up.

She is mean and hateful and doesn't like anyone and has a filthy mouth.

She won't tell her name again. She is staying hidden for the most part - which a good thing. I guess my healing is coming along nicely since she felt safe enough to share her venom, However, I liked the idea of thirteen alters as it one of  my favorite numbers. I hope we are done now and that there are no more surprises lying in wait hidden in the depths of my broken mind.

But, on a brighter note, grown-up chose the name of Scarlet - which suits her nicely. It is a strong color and a strong name for someone with a strong and sassy attitude.

Co-consciousness is going well - no lost time and no getting lost while driving. GPS is a wonderful thing.