There are times in the life of a person with DID when all the others go quiet. That time might be a stressful situation that the system never prepared or created an alter for - something the system could not foresee.
I've gotten used to the noise in my head and find it comforting. But when faced with a new, never before experienced trauma, the silence is deafening and panic sets in.
Anyone else with DID experience this?
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
Rambling On
I had a friend threaten suicide this week, which really freaked me out. I even contemplated deleting this friend from my newsfeed on Facebook because I really don't need the stress in my life, and when things like this happen it reminds me that I am fragile.Yes, I can be a selfish jerk at times, but I didn't delete. I worried, tried to contact this friend, called the police, and several days later, this friend messaged me again, so all is well for now. Although I really wish this friend would seek professional help because I am not professional help. Hell, sometimes I need professional help too.
I had another friend tell me that I had the ability to influence people. I wondered how that is possible when most times, I struggle to organize my own thoughts.
My sister is back home - she walked away from the care center because to be honest, the place was a hole in the wall, a dirty hole in the wall. She is healing and getting stronger. I am thankful.
The Bloggess posted her rules for life. You should check them out. I really like the first one: Don't be shitty. One I want to add: Allow people the right to grieve for however long it takes them.
I really liked Death as the narrator in The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, but sometimes in real life, Death is an asshole who takes perfectly good people from us and leaves us the rotten ones.
The man who kidnapped the three women in Cleveland is on suicide watch. I think they should hand him the means and let him do it instead of watching him - it would save a lot of money and grief. I am thankful the women are free, but there is a cure for people like him - it is called a bullet to his head. I don't understand how a human being can be so evil. Even though my own father is evil, I still don't understand it.
The news and a friend threatening suicide makes a person like me struggle to stay grounded and here. My brain is like a butterfly right now landing here, landing there, landing everywhere, and no where at all. And they say ADD is bad. Throw a few more personalities into the mix and see how hard it is to focus.
I had another friend tell me that I had the ability to influence people. I wondered how that is possible when most times, I struggle to organize my own thoughts.
My sister is back home - she walked away from the care center because to be honest, the place was a hole in the wall, a dirty hole in the wall. She is healing and getting stronger. I am thankful.
The Bloggess posted her rules for life. You should check them out. I really like the first one: Don't be shitty. One I want to add: Allow people the right to grieve for however long it takes them.
I really liked Death as the narrator in The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, but sometimes in real life, Death is an asshole who takes perfectly good people from us and leaves us the rotten ones.
The man who kidnapped the three women in Cleveland is on suicide watch. I think they should hand him the means and let him do it instead of watching him - it would save a lot of money and grief. I am thankful the women are free, but there is a cure for people like him - it is called a bullet to his head. I don't understand how a human being can be so evil. Even though my own father is evil, I still don't understand it.
The news and a friend threatening suicide makes a person like me struggle to stay grounded and here. My brain is like a butterfly right now landing here, landing there, landing everywhere, and no where at all. And they say ADD is bad. Throw a few more personalities into the mix and see how hard it is to focus.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Danielle and Ups and Downs
I visited with my sister yesterday, and she wasn't doing as well as she was on Sunday. She had a low-grade fever, chest pains, high blood-pressure, and was certain she would die during the night.
Although she didn't feel good, she wanted to paint a picture for me and started the watercolor before I left. I talked her into waiting to finish it, so she could go to sleep.
She amazes me. She feels crappy, yet she wants to do something nice for me. I need to be more like her. I need to go out of my way more often to do nice things for those around me.
She has been good for me. As I brushed and braided her hair yesterday, I was thankful for this chance to spend time with her and see the wonder and love that dwells in every fiber of her being.
I am thankful she is my sister.
Although she didn't feel good, she wanted to paint a picture for me and started the watercolor before I left. I talked her into waiting to finish it, so she could go to sleep.
She amazes me. She feels crappy, yet she wants to do something nice for me. I need to be more like her. I need to go out of my way more often to do nice things for those around me.
She has been good for me. As I brushed and braided her hair yesterday, I was thankful for this chance to spend time with her and see the wonder and love that dwells in every fiber of her being.
I am thankful she is my sister.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
And it just keeps on coming
Two weeks ago, I watched old slides with my 3d child. My little sister Danielle was pictured in the slides with her hair cut in a cute little bob that emphasized her big brown eyes. My child asked who it was because he doesn't really know her. She lives with Dad, so we don't see her. She feels sorry for him and has forgiven him for all the abuse he heaped on her.
Two days later I got a phone call saying that she was in the hospital and not expected to live. I faced my fears and went to see her. Luckily, so far, I have not run into Dad. He visits in the morning, I always go at night. Danielle is recovering and will soon return home where Dad also lives. My 3d child has enjoyed getting to know her. I have enjoyed spending time with her.
We are going to try to use Mom as a go between - a way to call her and pick her up and take her away from where she lives so that we can visit.
When Dad came to see her today, he said, "Don't let them take you away from me." We are the "them" he speaks of. He didn't want to call an ambulance for her; he would have let her die on the floor if her boyfriend and son hadn't been there, but he doesn't want us to take her away from him. He is a selfish pig.
I still wish he would die so that I could have a relationship with my sister that isn't strung with anxiety and fear of running into him. I really wish he would die. I worry about her going back to live with our abuser, but she won't have it any other way, and that makes me sad because she deserves so much more than to have verbal abuse thrown at her all day. I hate that she has gone through so much pain in her life. She amazes me because she is upbeat and positive, although today she said, "He is the biggest asshole who ever lived." She is speaking of our dad.
I still never want to see him again, but I am willing to chance it because life is too short, and I love my sister.
Two days later I got a phone call saying that she was in the hospital and not expected to live. I faced my fears and went to see her. Luckily, so far, I have not run into Dad. He visits in the morning, I always go at night. Danielle is recovering and will soon return home where Dad also lives. My 3d child has enjoyed getting to know her. I have enjoyed spending time with her.
We are going to try to use Mom as a go between - a way to call her and pick her up and take her away from where she lives so that we can visit.
When Dad came to see her today, he said, "Don't let them take you away from me." We are the "them" he speaks of. He didn't want to call an ambulance for her; he would have let her die on the floor if her boyfriend and son hadn't been there, but he doesn't want us to take her away from him. He is a selfish pig.
I still wish he would die so that I could have a relationship with my sister that isn't strung with anxiety and fear of running into him. I really wish he would die. I worry about her going back to live with our abuser, but she won't have it any other way, and that makes me sad because she deserves so much more than to have verbal abuse thrown at her all day. I hate that she has gone through so much pain in her life. She amazes me because she is upbeat and positive, although today she said, "He is the biggest asshole who ever lived." She is speaking of our dad.
I still never want to see him again, but I am willing to chance it because life is too short, and I love my sister.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Spring has Sprung
Today was the very first really warm day we've had this year. Our winter has been long and oh, so very, very, cold and dreary.
I worked in the yard for several hours and was delighted to see the tulips popping up (only the tops of the leaves, but they are up). I'm sure we will get more snow - we always do, but it felt so good to have the sun on my face and the dirt in my hands.
The only bad thing is that it makes me want to quit my job and play in it every single nice day we have.
I worked in the yard for several hours and was delighted to see the tulips popping up (only the tops of the leaves, but they are up). I'm sure we will get more snow - we always do, but it felt so good to have the sun on my face and the dirt in my hands.
The only bad thing is that it makes me want to quit my job and play in it every single nice day we have.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
2013 Liebster Blog Award
I have been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by Carol Ford at Second Glance Book Reviews Presents:
Thanks, Carol, for nominating me for this award.
RULES
1. Thank your
Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog and link back to the blogger who
presented this award to you.
2. Answer the 11
questions from the nominator, list 11 random facts about yourself, and create
11 questions for your nominees.3. Present the Liebster Blog Award to 11 blogs of 200 followers or less who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen. (No tag backs)
4. Copy and paste the Blog Award on your blog.
Questions from Carol to me:
1. You wouldn't be caught dead, where?I wouldn’t be caught dead in a crowded mall during Black Friday. Of course I could be dead in the mall on Black Friday because that is the only way you would get me there.
2. Name one thing you consider yourself to be very good at.
I consider myself a good cook.
3. If you were granted three wishes from an angel or genie what would you want?
I would wish that no one would ever abuse a
child again in any way.
I just want that one wish – oh and clean
air and clean water.
4. If you could be any fictional character who would you choose?
I would be Jane Eyre because she is smart,
strong, and courageous.
5. What is your favorite book?
I love Jane
Eyre, but choosing a favorite book would be like choosing my favorite
child.
6. What author inspires you and why?
Sherman Alexie inspires me because his
writing makes me think, and it makes me want to write. He can make a person
laugh and cry all in the same sentence.
7. If you could meet any author who would it be and why?
Sherman Alexie for all the reasons I stated
above.
8. What is your favorite book quote?
There are simply too many great quotes to
pick a favorite. My library is full of books that are annotated and underlined
9. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever what age would it be?
I would stay thirty-six forever.
10. What are you most grateful for?
I am most grateful for my life, my
children, and my husband, and God.
11. If someone wrote a book about your life, what would they title it?
A book about my life would be titled: You Can’t Make This Shit Up
Eleven random facts about me:
1.
I have a village living in my head.
2.
A perfect day would include the beach,
gardening, scrapbooking, reading, and eating great food.
3.
I get really bad anxiety at times.
4.
Grandkids are amazing people.
5.
My ideal home would have a floor to ceiling bookcase
covering one entire wall in every room because a girl can’t have too many
books.
6.
I wish I could find someone to draw realistic pictures
of all my alters.
7.
I love fresh peaches just picked from the tree
when they yield slightly to pressure and are warm from the sun.
8.
The tulips coming up in the spring make me
really happy.
9.
I tolerate cold weather because I really hate
bugs and spiders.
10.
I love the smell of books.
11.
I want to publish a novel before I die.
My Nominees:
http://marthahorman.blogspot.com/
1.
Why did you begin blogging?
2.
If you could be any fictional character, who
would you be?
3.
What was your favorite book when you were eight
years old?
4.
What author inspires you and why?
5.
What would a perfect day in your world look
like?
6.
What is one of your talents and why do you enjoy
it?
7.
What would you like to change in your life?
8.
If you could stay a certain age forever, what
age would you choose?
9.
Are you a morning person or a night person?
10.
What book are you currently reading?
11.
What are you most grateful for?
Have fun and remember to leave me a link to your blog post, so I can check it out.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Pillar of Salt
Sometimes, I don't know how my husband puts up with me. I've struggled lately to connect to him or anyone else, so much so that he started to think that I no longer loved him.
We talked and I told him that I felt frozen, frozen like a pillar of salt, like in the story of Lot and his wife, which by the way, I really, really hate that story because I don't think that God would have ever had one of his daughters have sex with their father. This is a scripture that can become quite twisted by people who justify sexually abusing their children. In fact, I'm sure my own father probably used this scripture for his own evil purposes. It should be stricken from the bible.
End of mini-rant and back to my story. We talked and we've both been trying harder to connect with each other, which once again proves to me that I married the right man. He is a saint in how he is willing to be patient, kind, and gentle with his bent wife. I really would not want to be married to me, yet he hangs in there and treats me with love and respect and helps me to continue the healing process.
I am thankful for this man.
We talked and I told him that I felt frozen, frozen like a pillar of salt, like in the story of Lot and his wife, which by the way, I really, really hate that story because I don't think that God would have ever had one of his daughters have sex with their father. This is a scripture that can become quite twisted by people who justify sexually abusing their children. In fact, I'm sure my own father probably used this scripture for his own evil purposes. It should be stricken from the bible.
End of mini-rant and back to my story. We talked and we've both been trying harder to connect with each other, which once again proves to me that I married the right man. He is a saint in how he is willing to be patient, kind, and gentle with his bent wife. I really would not want to be married to me, yet he hangs in there and treats me with love and respect and helps me to continue the healing process.
I am thankful for this man.
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