Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dad - Part One

I know this reads like I am detached from this story. Right now that is how I must write about my dad. I need to view him as a fictional character while I write, which I admit makes the writing weaker. I struggle to write about him. Maybe a part of me worries that to do so will be like calling up Lord Voldemort, and my nemesis will once again haunt my mind and my dreams. So I apologize in advance that there is emotional distance in this writing. Perhaps as the story unfolds, I will become less guarded when I write about him.

Perhaps the best way for me to describe Dad is to tell about him like a photograph. Photographs are the best way to show something that is beautiful and dad was beautiful. Picture if you will (sounds like the twilight zone) a beautiful couple. The man has thick dark hair, one green eye and one brown eye, and is incredibly handsome. The beautiful woman has dark hair and dark brown eyes. They were married for several years before they welcomed the birth of their first child – a baby boy as beautiful as they were. He had deep dimples – one in each cheek, dark brown eyes, thick curly dark hair, and a round little face. He was a good natured baby and slept more than he stayed awake. When the woman (my grandmother) took him out in his buggy, people stopped her to comment on her beautiful baby.

We will call the baby Jack, the mother Ada, and the father Roy (not their real names). By the time Jack was four years old he climbed the fire escape to the roof of his apartment building and had to be rescued by the fire department. He lit a fire in the lot next door to their apartment building and was reprimanded by that same fire department. He was a joyous handful—beautiful and well loved. He was very bright. He loved to take everything apart and soon learned out to put everything back together.

When Jack was seven, Ada and Roy had a baby daughter who was just a beautiful as her brother. Jack adored his sister, and he quickly learned that he could tease her to tears. She became the victim of many pranks. He didn’t know when to stop. His pranks were nearly always taken too far. Ada didn’t get mad at Jack when he teased. She had a soft spot for Jack that knew no bounds. Perhaps she, as his mother, knew something was not quite right with him. In Jack’s day mental illness was seldom treated and when it was the family was ostracized. Many people underwent shock therapy and/or lobotomies during these years.

Jack grew into an adolescent. He hated the gap in between his front teeth. In those days, braces were uncommon. He didn’t realize the gap made him look like a more handsome version of Omar Sharif. He loved to swim, and he did back flips off the diving board. One day he hit his head on the board and split it open. He said the pool was red with blood. Even though there was a polio epidemic, he wouldn’t stay out of the neighborhood swimming pool. One summer when Ada went to visit her parents, she got a phone call from Roy. He told her that Jack had polio. She cut her trip short and hurried home on the train with her young daughter. Jack made a complete recovery although at times he did suffer joint pain.

Jack had a hound dog named Prince. He said it was the best dog he ever had. Jack loved to hear Prince bay. Prince loved porcupines. He loved to flip them over and devour their soft bellies. Jack would dutifully remove the quills from his beloved pet. Years later, after Prince had died, he said that sometimes when he was resting on his bed, he could still feel Prince come up under his hand as it dangled over the side of the bed. Jack was a natural with animals and most animals loved him.

Roy owned a car lot and Jack couldn’t stay away from the cars. On night he was arrested for reckless driving. Roy wanted to leave him in jail for the night, but Ada wouldn’t let that happen. She went and bailed him out. He was her darling, a much loved son who she couldn’t bare to see suffer. Jack would get really tan in the summer and wear brightly colored satin shirts which made him look quite Mexican even though he was Irish. He grew in stature and good looks and resembled both George Clooney who wasn’t anyone in Jack’s time and Omar Sharif who was. Jack’s laugh was rich, deep, and easy. He was smart enough and charming enough to sell Obama’s health care plan to even the most devout republican. He was the definition of charisma.

Disclaimer: Although I like George Clooney as an actor, sometimes it is hard for me to watch him because his looks remind me of my dad.





Jack was a genius, he should have gone to college, but he struggled with authority. He felt he was smarter than everyone around him – and he was probably right. Instead he built model airplanes and played with cars and anything else with parts. His hands were sure and steady. He could have been a surgeon, but instead he didn’t do anything. When he was still charming and golden he met my mother (we will call her Carolyn). He said of that day, “She was the most beautiful woman, I ever saw.” He added, “You are pretty, but not as pretty as your mother. “She was all silver “(even though she was wearing a black dress). He loved dating her. She was so tiny in comparison to him. He was average height and slender, but she made him look huge. He would call and ask her what color she was wearing, and then go get a car to match from Roy’s car lot. He absolutely adored her.

Three months later they were married in his parents’ living room. Carolyn loved Ada. She missed her own mother so much, and Ada was more than willing to take Carolyn under her wing. It was a whirlwind romance into what they thought was their happily every after. Carolyn said that Jack wanted to have a house full of little girls who all looked like their mother. They were both happier than they had ever been.

Friday, March 26, 2010

My Heart is Full

I may not have been blessed with parents who protected me, but God sent me something even better – children who not only keep me grounded – but who do all they can to protect me. My children know I have a blog and they read it. One of my children called me tonight; she was worried about what would happen if someone figured out this blog belongs to me – like the six degrees of separation theory. I think she is more worried than I am, and it feels so good to have my child want to keep me safe. I am so thankful for my children and the love and joy they bring into my life.

My daughter and I talked about society’s attitudes toward mental illnesses and our hope that someday, people will be more accepting towards those of us who struggle with minds that are not “normal” (whatever that is). I said, “I’m sad that DID is considered a mental illness because I don’t feel mentally ill; in fact, I sometimes feel like I have super powers.” I should probably clarify that for those of you who don’t know me.

When I first suspected that something was not “normal” with my mind, I did feel crazy and broken and incredibly confused, but since I’ve learned more about how my mind works – thanks to therapy, research, a wonderful website for those who have DID, and a book called I am More Than One by Jane Wegscheider Hyman. If you have DID, I recommend this book. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but it has helped me understand the brain processes of DID. Now that my alters are communicating with each other, often more than one is out at once. It is a blessing to be fed several points of view before making a decision. Sometimes an alter will notice something that the person out didn’t see and comment internally on it which helps us see things that might have been missed. So DID can feel like having more than one brain going. I never have to be lonely either. :)

Before I understood that brain process, I felt crazy – like my soul had been split into pieces or that I was possessed by other spirits or beings because they felt so different from me. Now that I understand that they are another part of my brain – they still feel different, but I know they were all created to keep me safe. They protect me the same way my 3D kids protect me.

About a year ago, I had a huge awakening. I had spent a month constantly worrying about who was forward (which alter was out) so much so that I couldn’t enjoy life because of the worry that if the wrong alter was out, I could appear crazy to the rest of the world. I went for a walk, enjoyed nature and the stirrings of spring, and watched the birds and ducks. The walk calmed me, and I thought about how all the parts of me were like my children. They were all created by me. Their roles are to protect me and to make me appear normal to the world. I thought about them in relationship to my 3D children. My 3D children were each created with love, and my end goal for them was that they become positive members of society – essentially the same goal as for my alters. I thought of each of my children and their love for me; each of them would defend me and do all they could to protect me. They represent me and the teachings of our home well. They are loving and compassionate people. I thought further that if I could trust my 3D children who are separate individuals to protect me, shouldn’t I be able to trust my alters, who are parts of me, to keep me safe? Instead of focusing so much energy on figuring out who is out, I need to allow whoever is out to use that energy to represent me to the best of their ability. I need to allow them to do the job they were created to do. As my cyber DID friends tell me, “Trust the process.” I am blessed to have supportive people in my life, in my mind, and online. You all fill my heart.