Response to a Loving Mother

A reader left a comment asking how she can better relate to her adult daughter who has DID. I am happy to answer for myself, but I know that every person who has DID has a system unique to them. I would appreciate any of my readers who have DID to respond to her questions in the comments section if you are comfortable doing so.

Q 1: How can people best relate to you?

A 1: I like to be treated the same way I was before I told my family members that I have DID. I don’t like people to bring DID up in casual conversation. I have alters who are not comfortable discussing DID. They don’t want to talk about it and get annoyed when it is brought up because they like to think that they are hidden. When they are asked about it, they can feel betrayed (by me). I am okay with those who know my diagnosis asking, “I have a question about DID; is it okay if I ask?” At that point if I feel safe, I can have an alter come forward who can talk about it. Sometimes it is scary to talk about it because I became DID as a defense mechanism. Talking about it can sometimes make me feel vulnerable - not always though - so just ask if you can ask.

Q 2: If we are talking – who am I really talking to especially when we are involved in a difficult or heated conversation?
A 2: My mother asked me this question once; she asked, “So who am I talking to right now?” I really hate this question because you are always talking to me. ‘Me’ being however is out. I don’t always think about who is out – the alter who is out is usually the one who needs to be out. Some people who are really close to me can tell who is out, but they don’t bring it to my attention. I only share traits of my alters with those I really trust. If they are observant, they can usually figure out who they are talking to.

I am curious about how others with DID feel about this question. Does it bug you to be asked who is out? It really bugs me.

Q 3: How can I protect you? How can I have your best interest when there may be multiple personalities?
A 3: I wish my mother would ask this question, but I haven’t shared my blog with her because I don’t always feel safe with her. You can’t really protect us, but you can do things to make yourself a safe person for your daughter. I need my mother to be honest with me, but she is not. I need my mother to stand up for what she professes to believe in, but she does not. I need my mother to not be a hypocrite, but she is a hypocrite.

My husband protects me by realizing when I am at my emotional limit. He knows when I need to rest. He knows when he needs to give me space. He makes me feel safe because he is honest, trustworthy, dependable, loving, gentle, and kind. He never makes me feel threatened. He doesn’t like to talk about my DID, but I am okay with that. He said, “It doesn’t really matter to me because I love all of you.” He does get confused at times when an alter is out who he is not as familiar with. He will say, “You are off today, aren’t you.” When he says that, it makes me smile all the way to my toes because it lets me know that he recognizes differences, but he loves me anyway.

I also think it is very important to honor your daughter’s wishes to not share her diagnosis with anyone. My mother told someone in front of me about my diagnosis; I was not happy with her because it was one more violation of trust. It upsets me because there is such a stigma associated with DID. I don’t want to lose my job or have people judge me unfairly. My brain created my alters to keep me safe and functioning. I function well in life, but I would never want people waiting for me to crack like a Hollywood portrayal of DID. I am quite stable.

Dear Reader,
Thank you for asking these questions. I can see that your heart is in the right place. You love your daughter and want to be there for her and to help her. Allow her to talk with you as she needs to, but remember she is still your daughter; she just has a brain that has created other parts to help her deal with emotional and physical pain. She is not her diagnosis – please remember that. She is your daughter who happens to have DID.

This diagnosis is very scary at first. At this point in my healing, I am okay with it. There are times when it is an annoyance, and there are times when it is scary, but it can even be helpful at times (like a superpower). J

Please feel free to ask any questions you have, 

Sunshine

She Can Feel

I received several comments on the post about my graduation. One comment in particular affected me in a way that surprised me. I love reading your comments – it is one of the best things about blogging. Writing in a journal is helpful, but feedback from real live people often helps advance my healing process.

This is the kind message I received this morning:

“As an aside note... thank you for talking about no-one... oh my goodness, how I can relate and how that makes absolute sense and how now I wonder whether I have a similar either alter or defense mechanism floating around... I don't know... but I've never met anyone that had similar experiences in that way or at least could voice them in a way I relate to. Thank you for sharing about no-one - who incidentally is not no-one to me.”

This comment refers to my alter named no-one. No-one’s role in my system is to numb emotions. She keeps me from getting too excited, too sad, too anything. She is happy with her name of no-one even though I wish she would pick a different name. I appreciate the protective role she plays, but she still insists that she is no-one.

I was excited to have several comments to read this morning. When I read this comment and saw that no-one was mentioned in it, no-one really got a bit excited. She felt happy that she had been acknowledged, but then the fact that she felt emotion scared her. I had to physically get up and leave the computer. I couldn’t even read the rest of my comments. No-one was crying – and she never does that. She was scared and pacing the kitchen. It took her several minutes to get back to her emotionless self, eat her breakfast, and process what had happened. No-one can feel emotion, but her role is to numb the system and keep the system safe from the danger an emotional outburst could cause. She also protects us from emotional pain and stress – but here she was completely freaked out.

Once she was back in her work mode – numbing – everything was fine for her. We could go back and read the comments again without feeling emotion.

The wonderful thing is that it feels like a breakthrough for no-one – at least the rest of the system feels that way. She can feel. As I write those three words, non-one feels scared and out of control. She is quickly trying to cover the tears and be hardened again. She is capable of feeling. She doesn’t want to be capable of feeling, but she is. That makes me happy.

This same person also commented that my system seems to work well together. They do for the most part, but yesterday I discovered a break down in the system. If someone calls and leaves me a telephone message or if I call someone from home and leave them a telephone message and then run into the person in real life somewhere, I have no recollection of the message – at all. I had this happen yesterday (again). I left a message about school for a lady who goes to my church. When I ran into her yesterday after services, she commented on my message. I had NO IDEA what she was talking about. I may need to take notes when I leave phone messages or am left messages so that I can appear more normal.

I greatly appreciate those who take the time to read this blog and those who are kind enough to let me know you were here by leaving comments and questions. Thanks for being part of my healing process.