Nightmare

For the first time in a long time, I had a nightmare about my dad where he was in control. I used to have dreams all the time where he was in control, but for the last several years, I have been in control in those dreams. He says, "I want to call you."
I shove him up against the wall by the throat and say, "You can't call me because you don't know how to respect boundaries." He becomes small and the dream ends.

A couple of nights ago, I dreamed I was walking with my older sister, and Dad was walking the other direction and passed us on the sidewalk. He was really tall - he seemed like he was seven feet tall. Ann turned and watched him walk away with sadness in her eyes. I said, "Just let him go. Don't let him know you care." But she called to him. As she called to him, he turned around and punched her in the face - right in the nose (he did this in real life many, many years ago).

I was so mad; I grabbed him and punched him back, but my punch had no effect on him. He grabbed me and punched me, and I woke up. I wondered why he had power again in my dreams.

This dream has made me think about where I am in my life. Granted, I do have a lot going on right now. I have a child who is having some health issues; I am switching to a new grade next year; we are doing some remodeling on our house, and life in general is busy, but I didn't feel like I was out of control (which means not in control in my life - not that I have gone around the bend or anything like that).

Although sometimes a dream is just a dream, sometimes they can show me where I need to put focus in my awake life. I know that meeting all the new doctors and workmen takes a toll on me - especially those who wear beards. I mean really - shave for Heaven's sake! I just try to avert my eyes in order to get business done, but I struggle, and I feel yucky inside. The men with beards must think there is something quite wrong with the woman who won't look them in the face, but looking at a beard makes me want to retch.

I will be glad when the projects are done, and I can stop meeting so many new people. To those of you who love to meet new people, I commend you and wish I had that ability. I get so stressed wondering if the new people will trigger me in some way. I always have a prayer that they will be clean shaven, but that doesn't always work.

I just hope the next dream about dad has me back in control and him leaving me the hell alone.

Taking Control of the Nightmares

During the time I suffered from intense PTSD, I found it nearly impossible to sleep at night. I avoided sleep because it was usually interrupted by horrible nightmares or by me jolting awake because of being hyper alert even in sleep. I was afraid of sleep. I found some comfort in the scriptures. I read each night before I went to sleep, but still the nightmares came. One night, I happened upon Proverbs 3. I found a lot of wonderful things written there, but the parts the helped me the most were verses 23 to 26.

Proverbs 23 – 26: Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble. When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.

I probably read this twenty times before I went to sleep. When I awakened in the night, my heart pounding, I thought of these verses and went back to sleep. My dreams started to change. Instead of waking up with no memory of the dreams, I started to remember them. I started to take control of situations in my dreams. If Dad was in a dream causing problems, I was strong enough to tell him to get away from me. If he wouldn’t, I was strong enough to pick him up and throw him away from me. In one dream I held him by the throat up against a wall and said, “Don’t call me, and don’t come see me; you have no concept of boundaries, and I can’t deal with you anymore.” I dropped him to the floor and walked away from him.

I felt like God put these verses in the Bible just for me. Did people centuries ago suffer from nightmares too? Perhaps they did and God knew that those of us who needed these verses would either find them on our own or have them pointed out to us. I am thankful for these four verses. They saved me during a very difficult time. I still had a long way to go to find forgiveness, but at least I could sleep. Yes, once in a while a bad dream would get me, but not at the level they did before.

My garden is full of surprises this year. I love tulips. With the help of the bees, my tulips are beginning to create offspring that is unique to my garden. Here are some examples of the beauty they are creating.

I often have plants come up in my garden that I didn't plant. I think they want to come join our flower party. I welcome them. I do have a boundary issue - so they have to behave and not try to choke out any other plants - if they are good, I let them stay.