Names of Alters/Parts

I recently had a friend ask me how I knew the names of my parts. Generally, they tell me who they are and what their purpose is.


The first part I became aware of was Cat. I didn’t like her name at all, but she insisted that Cat is her name, so her name stands.

I went through a time when most of my parts were pretty quiet, so I took an internal roll call. I found everyone and said, “I think that is everyone.”

Cat and Laura said, “Don’t forget Little One.”

They let me know that there was another part. They have done this twice: first when they introduced me to Joy, and second when they told me about Little One. When Little One became brave enough, she told me that her name is really Annie, but the other parts call her Little One.

I have only named one part. She was given horrible names by the people who abused our system. I could not let her keep names that were detrimental to her and to us. She had to agree on the name we chose. I called her Angel for a while, but she hated that name. She said it made her feel dead and that she was no angel. She had a sarcastic comment about every name I offered her. The name we agreed on was Glory. It really fits her.

I know that each person with DID has a system unique to them. Another person’s process of discovering their parts/alters may be completely different than my experience. Feel free to share your experience with discovering your alternate names with us in the comments section.

Father's Day

We had a nice Father’s day today. My 3D child  made a card for his daddy. My child wrote to his dad, “You are crowned king of this day, and I will do whatever you say – today.” My little buddy is one independent child. He really doesn’t like being obedient – at home. At school he is always well behaved and does just what the teacher asks. It cracked me up how he added “today” at the end of that sentence. He didn’t want his daddy to think he would be obedient always.


We attended church and then went to visit my amazing in-laws. I have been truly blessed in the husband and in-law department. I love these people. My husband is adorable with our child. He is an involved parent. He attends everything that our child does. Parent Teacher Conferences, ball games, music recitals – if my child has something – his daddy is there. Seeing their relationship has been very healing for me. I would have loved to have a daddy like him.

Father’s day used to be a tough day for me. When I still had a relationship with my dad, this day was awkward. Hallmark does not create a card that expresses the proper sentiment for a completely dysfunctional relationship. During the many years that I haven't had a relationship with my father, this day was sad. At church the talks were based on honoring our fathers and hearing about the glorious vanilla ice cream relationships that other people had with their ideal fathers. The children sing songs about running to greet daddy when he comes homes, yet my memories were of hiding when my dad came home. It all hurt – a lot. Sometimes the hurt was so big that I had to feign needing to use the restroom. Then I would stay out of the chapel until the speeches and songs that glorified fatherhood ended.

However, now that I have positive examples of wonderful fathers in my life, Father’s day is much better. I think of the relationship my child has with my husband and how he runs to greet his daddy each day, and I can hear the songs and smile. I can relate the talks to my husband and sweet father- in-law and smile thinking of these two great men that bless my life.

Yes, I still think of my father. I wonder how he is. Yes, it would be nice if he were someone he isn’t, but the reality of our situation is that I have a father who is still abusive. Because I love my Heavenly Father and I know how much he loves me, I can not in good conscience allow my earthly father to hurt me anymore, so I stay away from him.

I forgave my father several years ago. I still remember the day that forgiveness for him came. I was sitting in a college class when the feeling of forgiveness swept over me. I wondered what my responsibility to my father was now that I had forgiven him. Did I need to call or write? If he got sick was I morally bound to care for him? When I got home that evening from college, I asked my husband, “What do I do with this knowledge? What is my responsibility to him?”

My husband answered, “You don’t have a responsibility to him. You do nothing. You enjoy the feeling of peace that forgiveness brings, but you do not allow him to hurt you again. You need to stay safe.”

I felt comfortable with what my husband said. He has been a trouper throughout my healing process. I know that his life is better when my life is stable. He has never met my father and has no desire to ever meet him. If I chose to go see my father, my husband would not understand why, but he would support me in what ever I decided to do. I understand his desire to keep me safe and mentally sound – as mentally sound as a person with ten alters can be. I love and appreciate his willingness to allow this to be my journey. He trusts and allows the process to happen as it needs to. He doesn’t try to push the process along. He doesn’t get scared when I am struggling. He backs off from me when I need my space, but he is there when I need his closeness. He is exactly the man I asked God to send into my life.

This Father’s day, I am thankful to have him in my life. He is the best.

How to Train Your Dragon

Today my 3D son and I went to see How to Train Your Dragon. I was impressed with this movie. My child was very interested and entertained. The film did not include any gratuitous potty humor – which I appreciated. I think it is important for a child’s sense of humor to grow beyond laughing at bodily functions. I found the film entertaining and thought provoking.

You may ask, “But what does this have to do with Dissociative Identity Disorder?”

I can see many similarities in the story line of the film to that of a person with D.I.D. The film shows conflict between humans and dragons as they wage war on one another. The problem is that the humans do not understand the dragons; they don’t know why they do what they do. I felt this same conflict months and years before my diagnosis. I knew there was something wrong. I knew there was at least one other inside, but I was deathly afraid of her. I was scared she would reveal more about my abuse than I could handle, so I fought against her. I tried desperately to keep her from communicating with me and by doing so caused more hurt to her. I thought she only wanted to hurt me. My denial of her stayed strong until one day when she shared a memory of Disneyland with me while I was on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. She said, “Remember when we went through here when you were little? And I thought if we could jump out of the boat and fill our pockets with treasure then we wouldn’t have to be poor and hungry anymore. Remember when I thought that maybe I was beautiful enough to be the pretty girl being auctioned off?

The problem with this shared memory was that I had never been to Disneyland as a child. My first trip to Disneyland came when I was a 36 year old woman who had plenty of food and money. To say I was unnerved is an understatement. Obviously that little, Cat, was present (without my knowledge) during my first trip to Disneyland when I was 36. Cat is 6. I had no paper, so I wrote about the experience on the back of some cardstock that came in a toy we had purchased for my 3D child while said child and husband went on Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Cat has tousled thick, short, wavy, reddish brown hair, brown eyes, and a small nose. She is small for her age which helps her to hide when necessary. She likes to run, is fast and efficient, and a bit of a prankster. She has an outgoing personality. She would just as soon be outside in a tree as anywhere else. She carries most of the emotions. She is quick to laugh and quick to cry.

I continued to try to push her away after our return from vacation, but she was always there – peeking around the corners of my mind – insisting that I listen to her. I was terrified that the information she knew and the emotions she carried would send me over the edge. I was used to feeling numb; feeling emotions when one is used to feeling detached is pretty scary. One day when I was at the gym and she was communicating with me – me not a willing listener – I ran to the bathroom to check my eyes in the mirror to make sure they hadn’t turned brown. I was so sure that I would see her peering out of my eyes. Of course my eyes were still green – thank God. I called that day to get back in to see a therapist.

With the help of my therapist, the process for contact with Cat was facilitated, and I learned that she is a delightful little girl not a scary monster. She is a tease. Sometimes she hides things and plays jokes on me, but I love her. Now that I know what her objective is in my system, I don’t need to be afraid anymore. The humans in the film also lost their fear when they understood the dragons' objective. This was not an overnight process. The boy in the film had to use kindness and patience to befriend the dragon. I had to lose the desire to destroy this alter (out of fear) and use kindness, patience, and love to get to know her. She helps fill in my missing parts just as the boy and dragon helped each other in the film. The film teaches us to not be so afraid of the unknown that we continue to have pain in our lives. The film also teaches that we must use patience and have the desire to understand the other party.

Our alters need to feel safe with us in order to be effective parts of the system. It is possible for our parts to work together. First seek for understanding; understanding has helped me gain new appreciation for all the parts of me that I have met so far. When you learn their objective you can help them help you.

The Hardest Part of Starting a Blog

When I contemplated starting this blog, I had no idea that the hardest part of doing so would be figuring out what to name it. I need to write about my experiences of dealing with Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder), but I fail to do so because I am the type of person who works better with deadlines. By starting this blog, I hope to feel a bit of pressure to maintain it. Google has wonderful templates to easily turn even me into a blogger.

Excitedly thinking about all the things I would write about in my new blog, I clicked on the “create your blog” button; the first thing I was asked to do was “name your blog”. Things in my brain went quiet. A name . . . a name . . . what name . . . what would be a good name . . . what would be a name that people won’t find stupid . . . what would be a name I could live with on my blog for the rest of time?

I brainstormed several ideas: relatively normal, me and more, just me, super powers, being okay with DID, parts, day to day with DID, alters – adjust for a better fit, others, alters others shadow and sun, behind green eyes, more than me, all of me, and sunshine and shadows.

I wanted to use alters, parts, or others in the title because that is what I have, but when I looked those words up in the dictionary, they had some negative meanings or in my mind had negative connotations. the term others reminds me of the Nicole Kidman movie, The Others, about ghosts and fear. It also holds the suggestion of being somehow not okay. Parts denote something that is not whole; although with all my parts, I am whole. Alters which has a meaning I love: To adjust for a better fit, also means to change or make different, and to castrate or spay. Although at this point in my life I could do without my uterus, I don’t want that connotation being thought of when someone sees the title to my blog.

Alters, parts, and others are all acceptable terms to use when talking about the different personalities that are contained in the brain of a person who has DID. Some of us prefer one over the others; I am okay with all three.

One by one, I discarded every idea except for sunshine and shadows. Many people may think that being diagnosed with DID is life ending, but it is not (unless people find out and treat you badly or fail to hire you because of your diagnosis). Being diagnosed was both scary and a relief for me. I had a name for the things that were going on in my brain. I could now learn to live with this diagnosis. Life for a person with DID is much like life for someone without DID – only different. Not everything about having DID is bad; some things about having DID are actually helpful.

Some days, this blog will be about very normal things – things that have nothing to do with DID. Some days, this blog will be all about DID. When I write about things that may be triggering for someone else with DID, I will put a warning at the beginning of the post. My intent is not to hinder the healing of another person, but to get my thoughts, memories, concerns, joys, and even the mundane down on paper – or into digital code anyway. Feel free to email me or leave comments and questions. I’ll do my best to answer everything. Remember there is a human being (with several alters) at the end of that email – please be kind. Welcome to my story of the Sunshine and Shadows in my life.