Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee."
This is a pretty straightforward scripture – one of the Ten Commandments given during the time of Moses. Many people have no problem with this scripture, but for those of us who are adult survivors of childhood physical and sexual abuse that was carried out by our parents, this scripture becomes a yoke too heavy to carry. We are tied by that yoke to a parent who cannot or will not honor their child. How does one honor a parent who is undeserving of honor?
I struggled with this scripture for many years. My dad even threw this scripture in my face when he felt I didn’t come visit often enough. After I started remembering all the abuse he and his friends had inflicted upon my childhood, I prayed about this and studied my scriptures for an answer. I found it in St. Matthew 22:9 And call no man your father upon the Earth; for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Here was my answer and my freedom from needing to honor a wretch of a man. Now that I felt free to call on Heavenly Father to be my father, I understood how I could honor my dad.
By honoring my Heavenly Father, I was honoring my earthly father. If I spent time with my dad, he would without a doubt re-offend against me or my children. By allowing him to sin against us, I was giving him more sins that he would have to answer to God. How is that honoring him? By staying away from him, he is no longer able to sin against me which means less that he will be held accountable for. I choose to live the best life I can. I choose to be happy and have joy and purpose in my life. By making these choices I can honor both my Heavenly Father and my earthly father.
I am a firm believer that those who have suffered childhood abuse should not be re-victimized by the scriptures. When I struggle with a scripture, I pray about it, read the scriptures, and invariably the answer will come. If we understand how much our Heavenly Father loves us, we will know that his words were not written to cause us more distress – they are there to comfort and lift us.
Story Time – Part Two
7 years ago
16 comments:
I still struggle with this concept myself. My ex husband hadn't been through what I have and would tell me how fast my train to hell would be because I don't *honor thy mother*. My new husband has went through the same type of abuse so I am trying to come to peace with it being ok to not hold her in highest esteem.
I love reading your blog, thankyou for sharing.
The way you describe your reconciliation with this verse projects so much strength. Thank you for being vulnerable with your readers and sharing.
Thank you for sharing that. I know that this post has helped others who are trying to overcome abuse by the hand of their parents.
I had a dear, faith filled friend tell me that while this is a commandment, when our parents break the solemn vow of caring for their child to the best of their ability, this commandment no longer applies. It's a two way street. To this day I'm grateful that she took the time to help me remove this burden from my mind.
This is a wonderful post. I've spent my time thinking and praying about this scripture, too! I don't think that putting yourself in a position to be abused is honoring to the God who created us, either!
As someone who has lived with the emotional abuse from my mother for most of my life. This scripture has brought me comfort over the years.
"My true brother and sister and mother are those who do what God wants” (Mark 3:35)."
http://www.maxlucado.com/static/email_archive/2009/11.24.html
Thank you for sharing the verse from Mark. I love it.
Wow. You are amazing and so insightful. I have a mother who is toxic, manipulative and emotionally abusive. I have not made contact with her in several years. I've struggled with how to "honor thy father and thy mother". Your insight has helped me realize what I'm doing is ok.
Thanks
I often struggled with that until someone said really it means bring honor to them. By living a Christlike life you ARE bringing honor to them. It's independent of them.
I also believe in cases of abuse our Heavenly Father becomes our father. We can bring honor to Him. He is the perfect father and knows us each so well!
I know no parents are pefect. But I believe we are to honor them if they are honoring God. Our first alliegence is always to God. If they are not following God, I believe we are under no requirement except to follow our Heavenly Father.
(enjoytotheend)
I've heard an interview with Sylvia Browne, the psychic, on Larry King, once where they were discussing this commandment. Sylvia said something that has stuck with me ever since..."Yes, honor your Father and Mother if they are honorable.". Your parents, or more specifically your father, is not an honorable person...so do not feel guilt for not honoring him. Hope that helps.
I am grateful for this blog. I've struggled with this same issue for decades now. I just can't 'honor my mother or father' for the torture and horrible abuse (physical, emotional & sexual) that they put me and my 4 siblings through. We all had PTSD by the time we were 10 yrs old. Both parents are sociopaths. My younger brother died and my younger sister also already passed away. I'm only in my 50's, yet I've already lost 2 younger siblings to these monsters. My other 2 siblings are not in the best of health and neither am I. My (pedophile) dad passed away but my (sociopath) mother still torments me. I feel rage and hatred. As a result I know I'm breaking another commandment - "Thou Shalt Not Murder", just by wishing her dead, I know I am breaking this commandment. I feel awful b/c I'm so full of hatred towards my mother.
Pam - October 20th ... thank you.
I too, met Sylvia Browne once when I lived in the SF Bay Area many yrs ago. I never thought to ask Sylvia about this but later wished I had. So, thank you for sharing that. It means a lot to me.
I posted the previous comment November 18th @8:40pm
8:40 anonymous,
I don't know if you will see this, but I want you to know that I am sorry that you were so hurt by people who should have loved and nurtured you. I hope you are able to find peace. Finding peace brings healing. My thoughts are with you.
Sunshine
November 19th ... Sunshine ...
Thank you
thank you so much for sharing this, I have struggled my entire life with an abusive mother, and recently made a decision to sever ties, It was so hard because I am a christian who wanted so badly to follow God's words, and the Honor thy Mother was deeply conflicting...I have chosen to honor her by keeping her in prayer, by not wishing any ill towards her, wishing only the best for her...I just can not continue to allow the abuse on myself...even still, it hurts me to have made this choice..I have 3 other siblings who endure the same and sometimes I'm afraid I will loose them too..I know my heavenly father knows my heart, and will lead me in the right direction irregardless, I pray for my sister and brothers too.
How can one break this commandment if they have a toxic parent(s)? The commandment says honor your father and mother. Toxic parents are NOT a father or mother...They are not behaving or doing what a parent is. They are not operating within the parent realm so there is not a parent to honor...
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